My H and I are fighting again about other people and infidel


My H and I are fighting again about other people and infidelity. I know it sounds crazy that between us things are good, but we fight about friends, but we do. I have always been so tolerant of different attitudes and ideas that we had. I knew he felt differently than did I about a lot of things and didn't have any issue w his autonomy. Now, any sliver of daylight between us on the issue of infidelity and I go crazy. He still thinks its ok to not tell a mutual friend that her H is cheating. And I say that if he feels that way, then in essence is he saying that those mutual friends who didn't tell me, where also right. That betrayal they caused me was correct. His response - he can hear how much it hurt me and be sorry for causing me that pain, but still believe that their choice was an acceptable one and one that he agrees with. Now. Today. ( I say now, because obviously back then he thought it was just fine and dandy). I just think that w hindsight now he should be feeling differently. I want him to feel like a reformed smoker. That is, that infidelity is horrendous and that anyone being cheated on - particularly mutual friends- deserves to be told so they can save themselves. I can't bear that he thinks otherwise because it makes me feel like he is somehow still part of that fraternity. Still protecting the guys.

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Feb 16, 2017

I agree with you, it is not ok to keep it secret if you know your friend's spouse is cheating. I wish someone would have told me, supposedly no one else knew, but I have my doubts. I think if a friend knew and didn't tell me, I wouldn't trust that friend either. Friends are supposed to protect you, not keep your spouse's infidelities from you.

Feb 16, 2017

@Dark_River I am not sure that blaming the betrayed spouse is only a Christian thing. I think that people do it as a subconscious self defense mechanism. A way of convincing themselves that it will never happen to them and that they have some control over it happening to them. As in "I'm a good spouse unlike you, so it won't happen to me." It's not until it happens to you that you begin to understand just how little it has to do with you and how little if any control you have over it happening to you. Perhaps Christians wrap it up in the idea that a real man could control his wife, but that is just a variation of the same nonsense. None of us have control over anyone other than ourselves. And if others want to cheat they will do that. And in most cases there is precious little you can do to stop or change that. Of course you - and the rest of us - were not perfect spouses. Who is? Who couldn't have been better. But that is not why our spouses cheated.

Feb 17, 2017

If my friend told me she was cheating, I would first talk to her about the destruction and pain it would cause, and I would urge her to end it and focus on her marriage- or to tell her husband she would like to get a divorce first. If she ignored me and went forward I am not sure what I would do, to be honest. I think the husband should know, but I would hate to be the one to deliver that news.


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