Long story short, I discovered my husband of seven years’

DecorColubridae's picture
(815)

Long story short, I discovered my husband of seven years’ infidelity after he took a private vacation in November of 2019.

Since then, I have been living a tumultuous life with both ups and downs. He moved out last June, and barely spoke with me until December 2020. At that time, we discussed attending couples therapy, and started working on what the therapist recommended. It has been really nice and more balanced and secure feeling to have him back in my life on a limited “deciding if we even want to be together via dating sort of” basis. Additionally, it has been nice to see my own strength and resiliency in his absence. Further, it has been stunning and challenging to realize what I like about him, I don’t like about him. I am constantly challenged to step away from my loyalty and desire to be with him, as it is an addiction. I have been going to therapy two times a week since January to help with my own mental health struggles after disclosure/discovery (as a side note, my emotions were too distracting to focus on my relationship, which contributed to the affair behavior, but that’s another story).

I am posting because he just told me about a vacation he plans to take. He invited me to look at a list of different hikes he could go on and encouraged me to choose one that I thought was interesting. I avoided this for a few days, and then told him it was difficult for me to engage with him/in this process due to the trauma reminder (of discovering his infidelity from a private vacation and other thing related to being left out of things and not considered or included.) He recently told me that when I shared this trouble with him, his initial thought was “well that’s her problem.” This made me cry and fall silent.

Please, group, I would like some feedback or alternate considerations, different opinions, viewpoints and frankly SUPPORT about this. I have conflicted feelings, am battling guilt and shame and also feel hurt. At the same time, I feel clarity and realize “Oh! That’s selfishness. That doesn’t work in a healthy couple, especially one working on healing after infidelity.” I’d prefer his embrace and see my sharing as an opportunity for him to apologize, realizing this wound and salving it in order for us to move forward together instead of him saying it’s my problem. I also recognize, ok, maybe I need to get over my overwhelm and so I have taken steps and chosen a few hikes for him, though I do feel like this is as connecting as taking the route I suggest home from an outing. (Shrug) it doesn’t build a castle, frankly.

I heed responses and thank you very much,

show more
Comment
 23
View 20 More Comments
Leahzan's picture
(17070)
Mar 1

@DecorColubridae One thing I learned about my own relationship is that we both ultimately traveled alone and I look back now and realize it was a sign of us ultimately living separate lives and having disparate interests. I was frustrated he didn't want to travel with me, and he was frustrated I didn't always want to go camping with him. While separateness is fine, and we all need it, I think it isn't good when it becomes the norm. It is important for partners to share in some of the things there spouse is passionate about. It sounds like for him adventure is something he is passionate about. Can you appreciate and explore that with him? Does he even want you to? Do you want to? I've had multiple friends with spouses that have wanderlust and it has been hard to manage their own "settled" personalities with these wanderers who are restless. Those who have found the right balance of both participating and giving space have persevered and grown as couples. Those that didn't have divorced.

show more
Reply
DecorColubridae's picture
(815)
Mar 1

@Leahzan Your wise language and the deep, real messages you always give me, I am thankful to have.

I honestly don’t know the answer if he wants to do these things with me or not. I know that I can appreciate this and explore it with him.

Our first couples counselor, right after the initial irrefutable discovery said to us, “You know, couples generally do things together.” So we’ve been doing that now, slowly. It is always fun and fine.

Reply
Foundlove's picture
(37855)
Mar 1

@DecorColubridae yikes if he’s narcissist that’s tough to deal with! Do you think he might be? I’ve been down that road n know too well

Reply

Login or Register

You are visiting Support Groups as an anonymous user.

Please consider joining our community and gain access to additional features by

registering or logging into your account