It's almost three months since my then ex-fiancee of 5y (

It's almost three months since my then ex-fiancee of 5y (we were planing the wedding for May) decided to break up because she "couldn't feel the love anymore, and I wouldn't be able to fill that void".
Then she started playing the blame game with me, I was trying to understand why and she omitted to mention that she got emotionally involved with someone else. She admitted that after hours of talking, where I wouldn't give up because nothing made sense.

As I learned that after hours of blaming myself, so many puzzle pieces started to fit together:
- Like her being happier than ever during the last two months but seeming emotionally unavailable. I attributed it to finally finishing her master's (which caused her a tremendous amount of stress, indirectly, depression, anxiety so on) and finding a new group of on-line friends.

- Her coming home from visiting friends (who turned out not to be her usual friends but "the friend", who took 3h bus to meet her) and sensually kissing me, which hasn't happened in months if not a year (again, depression, SSRIs so on).
Now when I think about this, I just want to puke, because I know that kiss wasn't for me. It was for the guy she was meeting.

- Why she was separating me from her new group of online friends.
I gave up on that because I didn't want to be controlling (and she mentioned that she had controlling exes in the past, in the end, I got called controlling either way because we had Apple location sharing that she initiated, and I was using it to be able to greet her home when she was coming from uni, I work from home).
- Why she was omitting my involvement when telling stories over voice chat to her new online friends.

I missed so many flags, but I just trusted her.
In the end it turns out she was mulling over breaking up with me for 2-3months, playing along at home, keeping the routine.

Now, 3 months after all that, I'm happy she is gone. Looking back at our relationship, I was enabling a spoiled, self-centred woman-child who was dealing with an endless stream of mental issues. Our bedroom was dead for 2yrs due to psychosomatic issues of hers, on which she was working but not really (going to a private physio but not doing assigned exercises at home). I was the breadwinner, the cook, the maid.
She got me to sign her up to 20h weekend cooking class, so she can gain confidence in the kitchen, the class was 3 months in the future, no topic of cooking for 3 months.
Out of that cooking class, over a period of two years, she prepared one dinner, mostly because I was working late on valentines and I didn't give her much of a choice.
The further I look, the more manipulations I notice. I'm glad she is out of my life. I should have broken that up earlier, but I was blind.

I probably wasn't perfect in that relationship either, I have a tendency to work late (working across timezone) and go to bed early in the morning (which I know was an issue for her). I continued to vape even though she didn't like that. I can sometimes be distant but I always tried to be available to her.

Sorry for a long post, I just needed to get it out of my chest. I don't think I told a large portion of the whole picture to anyone, just fragments here and there.

show more
View 5 More Comments
Jan 25

Thanks, that realisation came to me quite quickly. I asked myself: "when was the last time we talked about how I'm feeling?", "when was the last time she shown me an affectionate gesture?", "has she in recent memory put you as top priority, even just for 10 min?", "has she supported me when I asked her to take on more responsibilities around the house because I was overloaded with work and stressed out"?

I think we also had a fundamental miss-understanding about what love is. For her it seems it was this indescribable feeling of honeymoon phase. So she went off chasing after that. For me it is the mutual respect, intimacy and healthy dose of ability to gain happiness from the happiness of your other half (although you ought to be careful not to fall into the loop of "the Nice Guy" who lives through the validation of others).

Kas1966's picture
Jan 25

@akka131 when my husband and I went to marriage counseling because I was still on the fence about staying or going ( my husband had a very very long physical affair with a much younger coworker) after our session the counselor said I think you two will make it through this. I asked him why he thought that: his response was I see love, respect and a partnership between you two.

Katgurl's picture
Jan 25

@akka131 I'm glad your finding support here and can talk about all the hurt and things what have gone on with your relationship. Hugs


Where do calls go?

Calls to numbers on a specific treatment center listing will be routed to that treatment center. Additional calls will also be forwarded and returned by a quality treatment center within the USA.

Calls to any general helpline (non-facility specific 1-8XX numbers) for your visit will be answered by a licensed drug and alcohol rehab facility, a paid advertiser on

All calls are private and confidential.

Login or Register

You are visiting Support Groups as an anonymous user.

Please consider joining our community and gain access to additional features by

registering or logging into your account