In October, I discovered that my wife of 16 years (and three

In October, I discovered that my wife of 16 years (and three kids) had been having an emotional and physical affair for about 6 months with a guy who lives about 4 hours from us. Obviously this crushed me and most people here had the same emotions flood their being from hearing that news. She confessed because I had walked into a room when she was messaging him and felt too guilty to hide it anymore. She "ended" it with a phone call to him that I was a part of, and she gave me access to her accounts and phones (personal and work) so that I could hold her accountable. Anyway, literally the next day he tried calling her and within a few days she gave in and started communicating with him. Then about a month and a half into our healing, I came across a call with him on her work phone that she forgot to delete, yes she even tried to play dumb and deny that call. At that point, I should have simply left or kicked her out, but I truly love her and believe in forgiveness and know that people make mistakes, plus I don't want the trauma put onto our kids (14, 12, 9). At this point, they know there is drama between us, but don't know why and see that we are trying to work through it. Anyway, I asked her why she had talked to him again and she confessed that she had been communicating the whole time and had met up with him earlier that week over lunch (when she told me she was in a long meeting that ran over). Yes, he traveled 8 hours round trip, booked a $200/night hotel close to her office to meet with her over her lunch break and have sex. He then turned around and went home. That night I found out, I reached out to his wife and she was clueless and in fact, just to illustrate his character, his daughter had a surgery that morning that he skipped out on because he had to "work". She couldn't believe that he would do that. He had left right away in the morning, banged my wife and was home by the end of the work day. It is a mess. Anyway, again my wife ended it (that was about a month and a half ago). I have not found any solid evidence of her communicating again, but she is constantly deleting her work phone call logs, emails and texts, so yeah, huge red flags that is is still going on. She says she does it without thinking, almost by habit and because she hates the clutter. I call BS and it turns into a fight and she looks me in the eye and says she hasn't talked to him and he hasn't tried to reach out, probably because I called his wife and told her everything and he was kicked out and lost everything he had except his job. I feel constantly anxious and paranoid. We are in counseling and are working at our marriage, but it seems hopeless. Realistically it is all fresh and will take time to heal and we both seem to want our marriage to work, but has anybody else went through this? Is it worth the pain and anxiety that I am dealing with? I don't feel that separating or divorcing would make me feel better.

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Jan 17, 2020

@MamaMail It seems to always make me feel better. She is more apprehensive about it though. We both insisted that it was a counselor with a Christian background rather than a "clinical" one that most likely has the philosophy of move on and divorce. There is hurt on both sides. I have never been unfaithful, but for years I tended to take her for granted and didn't treat her as well as I should have. I have owned that and have made strides to change it. I have met with a counselor individually as well...also a Christian based counselor. EVERYTIME I meet with one of them, I leave feeling hopeful and also reassured that I am not crazy in what is going on in my mind.

Jan 17, 2020

If she doesn't like the clutter she should include you in the deleting of text and emails, if she allows you to delete them then you are completely aware of them. I agree this makes me nervous with her deleting them still. If she is having conversations that she isn't comfortable sharing with you, then they shouldn't be happening! She can tell you to your face with a hand on the bible she hasn't tried to make contact but right now if she told you the grass is green and sky is blue would you believe her? I dealt with something very similar and the trust and betrayal is still the hardest part to regain and her relapsing and contacting him again doesnt help as it puts you right back to square of being the detective and waiting for the next bomb to drop! Hence the anxiety!

Jan 17, 2020

@jj2020 Keep looking to the Good Lord that you will get an answer. I know it will be hard to forgive but God will heal you. Your wife on the other hand, I hope she prays a lot.


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