I'm trying to gauge whether my current experience is common

I'm trying to gauge whether my current experience is common and I appreciate any insight the group might have to offer. As background, my wife was unfaithful about 6 years ago. The details are less relevant to this circumstance but, the short story is we are still together. There are days I regret that choice and there are days I don't. In the end, our child is happy and her home life is stable so it has been worth it.

Anyways, one thing that I have noticed is that she seems almost paranoid about my interactions with women. I have female coworkers. They text me to coordinate meetings or get a quick answer to a question. When this happens, she invariably progresses from distant to confrontational to defensive. It's honestly exhausting.

I've never been unfaithful. I wouldn't be. It's not my style. I would leave before I would do that. So, if she's worried about that, the concern is without foundation. Do other people experience this sort of transference?

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My wife and I have both struggled with insecurity and not establishing proper boundaries with friends of the opposite sex. It just so happens that she went a little further than I have, and made some attachments to someone that were very hard to break....someone who unfortunately, she works with and probably will for some time. It's been very hard for me, but my own failings on this topic are part of the reason I made the decision to forgive her and work on our marriage. I've said several times that I don't view the wayward spouse as "evil" or sub-human.... I think most people would be surprised that given the right set of circumstances, they could find themselves capable of betrayal, or at least the temptation....

One of our big problems in navigating this is that I feel there is quite a double standard in our marriage....

We had a discussion the other night about this very subject. When it comes to friends of the opposite sex, I think that you need to have a clear conversation about what behaviors and interactions are acceptable, and what are not. And decide that you are either going to trust each other to navigate those waters and not stray passed the agreed up on boundaries, or you swear off these types of friendships entirely. I see both as viable strategies. Every marriage is different.

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mmadlecl's picture
Nov 11

Sad Science guy Cheaters are always afraid they'll be cheated on. If she had good perceptions She'd realize that you're not a cheater.

Nov 24

It is 4 years since my husband of 25 years cheated. I made the decision to stay but it has been very hard because he has changed so much. He has now became jealous and controlling. He is always looking for meaning in everything I do. It has become very hard to be happy with the decision to stay. I wonder all the time if I made the right choice or if I should still end things. Our relationship is nothing like it was before. Not sure what else to do. I am scared to make the wrong choice. We still have a 16 year old at home. I worry about my husband if I leave. He has no support system. Just not sure how to deal with the things anymore.


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