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I'm really struggling today, guys. Here I am a year later in

[226610]

I'm really struggling today, guys. Here I am a year later in the same position I was. Waiting to pull the plug til after the holidays and wondering how I'll go about things. Thankfully I've been working on my exit strategy. I'm looking at things more logically. We have no equity in our house and probably couldn't sell without a short sale. Not sure the mortgage co would give permission because our house is still worth the same as we bought it but we cannot afford any realtor, or any of the expenses involved in selling but I assume mortg.companies allow in a separation. Not sure. We'll see. On the other hand I could just wait and keep us owning the house but just leave, let him live in the same limbo he put me in over a year ago when he decided to cheat, get high, whatever it is he's abandoning the marriage for. Like today for example, time missing before work, fake explanation that doesn't line up. Preceding days were preparation for his narc (NPD) b*llsh*t again. Lies upon lies, cold shoulder when called on it. Blah blah blah. This time I didn't react emotionally at all and he still hung up on me. Whatever. It's like I'm dealing with a toddler that won't behave. Then, it was early morning and I couldn't get back to sleep. Another night with less sleep than I need. I know I'm rambling but just need to get all this off my chest for the time being. I just want him to know, I don't care what he does anymore but just want him out of my life. I just wanna live in peace. Is that asking too much? I don't wanna be the terrible, mean mommy that keeps him from having fun with his friends and never did. But he appointed me to be that role for his narc needs to be met. All I wanted was honesty and to not be strung along. I guess that was too much to ask for. Still sick, still no job, still trying to finish my classes. Still stuck here where I was a year ago. It would be kind of awesome if there were some sort of crisis to throw him into a tailspin like maybe he loses his job, the company closes or sells and moves. He seems to like the idea of that happening so I'm just echoing his thoughts. Or maybe he has an epiphany and realizes he loves one of his evil affair partners and decides to move the eff out finally so I can stay here til I get my bearings. Once again just venting friends. This weekend is full of Christmas parades and the usual holiday stuff for the sake of our youngest kids still launching. I should be glad they still want to spend time as a family though because our older kids we only see rarely now that they're in their 30s.

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[226610]
Dec 7

@Cat54, well I hope I didn't leave the impression I intended to hate him. I will try very hard not to. I certainly don't hate my ex, and although he stalked me after I left him, we do get along and are civil, now. I've had to co/parent with him because of the children we raised together. I was taught not to hate in church for 30 years. So I pray I don't hate anyone. Thank you for the great advice I do think EVERYONE should take.

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[226610]
Dec 7

@Pajamas, Amen to that idea.

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[226610]
Dec 7

@Blueberries1234, I wish I could say it was that easy to say goodbye with love when it comes to a narc (NPD). My ex stalked me for about a year or so once I left him. He never would have let me go except for the district attorney finally put him in a jail cell. I tried to have an amicable split with my husband, thinking he would be more reasonable, and he refuses to sell the house so I'd be stuck in the mortgage with him and won't even talk about it.

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