I'm really struggling now it's the Christmas season. I (thin

I'm really struggling now it's the Christmas season. I (think) I've decided there is no choice but to divorce....I don't want to discuss it until after Christmas to try and give the kids a good time...but it's so tough, just thought someone here might know how I'm feeling. Does anyone have any advice on how I make it through the next month...

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(4345)
Dec 9

@FreeWill2Go it sounds like you've been through a lot, I'm sorry you've been put through that. I know exactly what you mean about denial, I thought I'd be able to make everything work out, but it just wasn't possible. While lots of this is hard I'm able to see some positives of being out.

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FreeWill2Go's picture
(3305)
Dec 15

@broken2021 I guess I have seen my fair share, as I'm sure you have too. Getting married was the easy part, but remaining in a successful marriage is difficult. I kind of wish someone would have talked some sense in me when I was younger. You know how it is when you're young, single. lonely, people don't always think about the future, and everything is about the present and enjoying life. When it came to family planning, I wanted to be a dad, and I loved being a dad. It was the best job ever, and I knew that I could be a responsible father. I wish someone would have explained the legal ramifications that are involved with having children with another person, especially since there was no way of knowing for sure if I really loved her, or if it was just compassion for her as a human being. Plus, when you're young, life seems so simple because there isn't a lot of responsibility, just take care of yourself, and pick up after your own mess, and when you're young, you look for different qualities than you do when you're middle aged.

It's when there are more people involved, which makes it complex because you have to set standards together as a couple regarding how to raise the kids, and decide together how to manage finances, and assign responsibilities, and communication is the key. If you marry a foreigner with broken English who doesn't drive, and has a hard time adapting in the U.S., the odds are stacked against you, especially if you come from differrent social classes, different cultures, different standards growing up. Too many differences, too many clashes, complete oppossites of each other, and all the while the one thought that goes through your mind is that we have come too far to give up, and maybe I can learn to love my wife, and learn to adapt, only to face the reality that we just aren't compatible and were not meant to be together. That's what happened to me.

It's even harder when you live with the realization that we need to sever our emotional connection because we're not meant for each other, while the other person keeps bringing up dialog from the past and believing that she was used and thrown away like trash, which triggers feelings of bitterness and depression in her. I lost sight of the fact that love is a 2 way highway (ours was not), and the traffic needs to flow evenly in both directions.

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(4345)
Dec 16

@FreeWill2Go it is definately 2 way, I definately made mistakes and I feel I've learnt a lot about myself and relationships. I wish I'd done things differently but I believe I was doing the best I could at the time. I think if he'd communicated some things sooner that may have helped. But I know for sure that he didn't need to cheat for us to get here. He gave us a mountain to climb and on top of our other issues it was just too much. Being irresponsible with money has been the final straw. He has now said he wants a divorce so we are moving forward with that. I'm sad about not seeing my kids everyday but trying to focus on the positives. Weirdly I feel some almost excitement about being able to sort the house as I want it to be, so I feel it is the right choice. We have actually been getting on better since the decision.

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