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I'm lost and still trying to come to grips with where the pa

I'm lost and still trying to come to grips with where the past several years have taken me. It's left me beaten and broken....not knowing where to turn for help, but this whole time I've been reluctant to reach out due to the feeling of inadequacy after my wife's second affair.

When we first got married, everything was so ideal. Our friends would joke about "the fairy tale" couple, we got the constant "you guys are so cute together". The family was growing, the careers were expanding, life was falling into perfect synchrony. Then I learned.....

It was four years ago this month. Eight years after we start our journey came the first crash. I noticed things were "different". A different group of friends, a different group of coworker gatherings. The night of coming home for dinner turned into unspecified errands that had to be run, mysterious phone battery deaths at odd times....just "stuff". She constantly reassured me there was nothing going on, she had simply become friends with new coworkers. She would sit on my lap, look me in the eyes and assure me......then disappear to be with him. It started as texting flirty messages, then escalated to pictures, meet ups, and hook ups. When I finally called her out, it was "my fault", I was the bad guy for snooping....but then the remorse. There were the long nights of sleeping on an air mattress in the basement while she sat on the steps begging me to come to bed. The hours spent in counseling while we tried to repair our marriage. "He" fled the moment I approached him....disappeared into the night begging me not to tell his wife.

The therapy seemed to be positive, the mood changed. There felt like real remorse and regret, a desire to fix what was shattered. I had the broken pieces to try to assemble, but she seems eager to help mend what was fractured.

That was four years ago, and here I sit again. A new job opportunity, new people.....and the entire process starting over. It started with the fun boss that was fighting to rehire her at the company she left last year. His heartfelt plea for her to come back, the promise of a better job and better position. Then I saw the changes starting again....the sudden mysterious nights, the cryptic need to stay late. Then I slipped....I gave in....I peaked. There were the messages......the flirtatious banter and innuendos. The "make sure I get a room of my own on the next business trip, I have plans in my head".....the packing impractical lingerie before departing on said business trip.....the holding me while tears roll down my cheeks, promising that she loves me, not knowing that I know about the messages and the lingerie.....sitting around all night just waiting for that call to see how the day was going...the calls that never came or were never returned while they shared their hotel room on "business trips".

It's left me shattered and torn. I've gone from being the strong-willed self determined master of my domain to the a ball of whimpering glop. I've been left feeling inadequate and helpless, life I've somehow left her down. I know it's her decision, yet I can't shake the feeling that I did something wrong....that somewhere if I had only done "this", it would all be different. The thought of not seeing my daughter every night terrifies me....not getting her sweet "good night daddy" and kiss on the cheek as part of our nightly ritual, not having every dinner to tell me about every intricate detail of her first grade day....the thought leaves me more scared than the thought of being alone.

I don't know what I'm seeking....perhaps reassurance, perhaps kind works. I just know that I'm confused and disoriented and stuck in a dark place.

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diver1972's picture
Apr 17

@lostinstl "the county I live in and would have to file in is a very Pro-Mother county, regardless of the situation. For the county, the affair is a symptom of a bad marriage, not a cause." That's brutal. Unlikely to be seen as a practical suggestion, but: Move elsewhere, then file after 6 months.


My heart aches for you. I know how your feeling... I've delt with the same exact thing almost. You are to good for her. She doesn't deserve such a good man in her life. I can tell just by your post that your a real catch. And she's the ignorant self centered heartless one that doesn't deserve you. My heart just aches for you. I wish I could give you a hug... I'm sorry love....

Apr 24

Sorry to hear what you are going through. It seems like most marriages start out with tons of excitement and the couple feels deeply in love. Then work and life gets in the way. The couple can start drifting. Then somehow an opportunity to get needs met comes from someone outside the marriage. The problems and cheating begins. Happens to a lot of couples. I give you credit for going to counseling. That is a good start. Unfortunately your wife hasn't yet got back to reconciling in your relationship. Have you thought about talking to the pastor who married you? You need someone that your wife respects - that will get her to recommit to your marriage. They can give you some good things to try and pray with you. They may know of a marriage seminar you can attend. The best seminars are led by people who made mistakes in their marriage - and learn from them. Good luck my friend! Prayers that all turns out well!


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