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I want to hear your thoughts. Short story, in relationship

mosg's picture

I want to hear your thoughts.
Short story, in relationship for 9 years, 7 years married, 2 kids. Turns out, I'm have a dominating type of personality, and my wife is passive, and allowed me to be dominant, until I passed the line. From that point she started to be passive-aggressive, with out being clear about why she acts that way. That led to more and more problems in our marriage, and ended with her having an affair (as I know it was one time thing and the guy basically took advantage of her passiveness and her confusion). And now I'm in position when I'm hurt, but don't want to lose my marriage and forced to change my behavior.

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Jimdub's picture
Oct 10

@robertsb29 were all out her for each other .

Almost.There's picture
Oct 11

@mosg I have been told you can't change your core values. Cheating isn't about you, so the choice your wife made to cheat, was again, another passive/aggressive act. (This is just my opinion btw, might be different in your situation, just going off what I've read from your post.) Marriage to me is about unconditional love and respect and honoring the other person. Treating them as you would your own flesh. If you care less about yourself and harm and abuse yourself, then how can you truly love another human. (Cheating to me is also a form of harming not only your SO, but yourself, since it is a destructive and risky behavior.) I don't know too much about pass/agress behavior, and if it is a learned habit, but it sure sounds like co-dependency as well. These are things I believe that can be worked on if you are willing to put the effort into it. As far as cheating being ok, it is not under any circumstance. You should never put your SO's health at risk. She may have chose to be promiscuous but you shouldn't have to be exposed. It is a very selfish act that only gives momentary relief to whatever it is she is lacking in herself.

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Oct 11

I completely understand this situation and seems similar to my own. I was the dominant one in my marriage and my husband always tended to defer to me on everything, always giving in to me to avoid an argument.
I think we are going to separate because one of the main issues is him not thinking we can change this dynamic to our relationship. He is worried that he cannot change his behaviour (I am very willing to work on changing mine). In a dominant/passive dynamic it will take work from both sides to bring a more equal balance. Looking at all the relationships I know there is always some who “wears the trousers”, but I guess everyone needs to find a balance they are happy with.
I would suggest your wife needs help to become more assertive and stand up for what she wants and you need to listen to her give in to her needs a bit more (this is wildly simplified, it’s a complex challenge for sure). The focus should not just be on you changing and of course if you have not worked through the affair and feel it is being bypassed then insist you revisit it until you feel ready to move on. Try not to let yourself get stuck there though - forgiveness of the affair and working on your marriage need to happen side by side.
Just my thoughts given my own situation.

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