I think my marriage might be over. She doesn’t say good ni

I think my marriage might be over. She doesn’t say good night, we don’t sleep in the same room, she shows no remorse for her affair, hell, after 9 months she has never really apologized for any of it.. ALL that matters is what I did, the mistakes I made (and I did) etc... she acts like she is too good for me, made sure to call me on my vacation and point out all my flaws and mistakes to me, basically ruining my trip and making me think about everything I went away to not think about. I wonder what she’s thinking about. I’m sick of it. I AM THE ONE WHO GOT CHEATED ON! And somehow I have become the bad person. It’s all bullshit.

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devastatedinptbo's picture
Nov 28

She’s just blame shifting and gas lighting. It’s a manipulative technique that people use to justify certain behaviours and choices they have made that deep down they know are wrong, and go against their true moral values. They aren’t mature enough to own that they were in the wrong to themselves let alone to anyone else, so they write elaborate narratives that justify their choices and then repeat them over and over to whomever will listen hoping for someone to agree with them. When they get any kind of agreement or sympathy from others then they feel vindicated that their reasons for making the choices they did were necessary. She keeps blaming you because deep inside her behaviours aren’t sitting well with her, and she is uncomfortable with that. Well too bad. Don’t own any of it. Don’t accept her blaming. And don’t give her the time of day when she starts to rant. Shut it down. Walk away. Take your power back over the situation. I highly suggest you read Leave a Cheater Gain a Life by Tracy Schorn to get a better understanding of how to deal with this type of behaviour. Trust me. This is not unique to your wife. She is manipulating you.

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Thank you for your replies.. I have a lot to think about and it’s confusing...

kevin79's picture
Nov 29

My WW took a while to emerge from the affair fog but, having done so, she has made clear to me that the affair was not my fault. I like to posit that if only I had been a better husband this wouldn’t have happened. She tells me that my flaws only gave her ways or reasons to rationalize, but were not in any way cause or justification for what she did. Either she is actively manipulating you or too emotionally immature to accept responsibility for what she did. Either way, she is making reconciliation darn near impossible. Don’t feel bad for staying and trying. If you do decide to end the marriage, you will at least be able to say you did everything you could to fight for it.


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