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I married my husband when I was 16 years old. I was pregnant

I married my husband when I was 16 years old. I was pregnant and our parents were old school so we were pressured into marrying. Needless to say it didn't work out in the beginning and we divorced a year later. I graduated high school early went on to college, while he enjoyed high school and his partying days. I don't know what it was maybe the idea of our son having the family he deserved. We decided to work out, or so I thought. All that came was 5 years of going back and forth, Mostly him deciding when he was and wasn't ready for a relationship. I'm not going to say that we didn't see other people because we did. The only thing is he continued to see other people while we were together. I had two abortions because he said he wouldn't be their to help me and my parents wouldn't help either, so I would have no one in the end. I guess I let him scare me into doing it. I remember the second time I did I felt so overwhelmed with disgust at myself that I pucked in the bushes in front of the clinic. That was the last time he ever me asked me to do something like.
He continued to talk to other girls, and we continued to have more kids. Two more boys. All the while he was telling other women they were the most beautiful women he had ever seen. I mean I was upset and angry but it was always the same thing, that he was sorry and didn't mean it and that he loved me. We finally had our little girl a couple of years ago and I thought things were good. We had gotten to a place where all the drama had ended. He told me a couple of months ago that shortly before my second abortion, he slept with this girl ( I had always had a feeling, but he denied it) and mind you with no condom. I feel angry about it and disappointed. Mostly because he made me feel crazy for so many years telling me it never happened. And now that I know I'm still angry and hurt because he asked to do something that he knew deep down I didn't want to, all the while he was being so reckless with another woman. I have been there through the cheating, the lying, the online porn, the strip clubs, his health issues. I have loved him. And now I don't I feel so betrayed by something that happened so long. He tells me I have no right to be upset because it happened so long ago. But I just can't shake it. Am I crazy? Should I just let it go?

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Aug 2

@MH02110110 go with your gut.

Rdan's picture
Aug 2

I see a few things that jump right out at me. You were both just babies when you began; so yes quite a bit stemmed from immaturity trying to do something experienced adults find hard. He refuses to validate that you have hurt feelings and foundational faults in your relationship: when you reject his ideas you reject him and when he rejects your feelings he rejects you; do you feel rejected? Then there is the issue of respect; for him this is probably the biggest issue in the relationship. His number one love NEED in a relationship is respect. At times during our 32 years of marriage I have been a real pr*ck; my has not even liked me but she has always respected me - otherwise we would not have made it. If you have lost respect for him that is a major step towards divorce. Personally if I was with a woman I knew had lost her respect for me I would pack and go in a hurry; maybe I have too much self respect to be treated like a b*tch. Then there's an undercurrent of a feeling of betrayal. that's Lorena Bobbett territory. Some real heinous acts are perpetrated by people that have been betrayed. I have a gentle friend, a lady I've known for well over 30 years was betrayed by her bf. She was the least likely to hurt anyone. She put 6 bullets in his crotch for what he did, she took a bottle of pills trying to kill herself and spent over six years in prison. If I knew what she was going through I would have told her to drop off the keys and just leave. She's been out now for a year but she lost 6 years of her life - her children were going through tough times and needed their mother. Figure this thing out. You have babies - don't let dysfunction be their norm; then they'll have to sort through it or you'll see the same in your grandkids. I hope something I said clarifies some of the issues.

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Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us. I’m truly sorry for what you are going through. I do not think that you are crazy. It is understandable the way that you feel hurt and betrayed. Love involves a commitment and loyalty. Love is not a feeling but is to make a decision for the same person. Please let me ask you a question: It is not clear if you are divorced of him, or are you still living together? I have the impression that you expected that in time he was going to change. However, things are still the same and as you say in your post, he is confessing to you that he was cheating on you with other women. Have you thought to seek counseling for yourself? I would suggest you to evaluate your situation and consider looking after your children on your own. Hope this helps. Sending you hugs and I will keep you in my prayers, my friend.


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