I know what i am going to describe is normal for someone in

I know what i am going to describe is normal for someone in my position although i am finding it hard to accept.
My D.day was 14months ago, my partner has agreed to go a club night with a group of new friends, i understand that my partner cant stop living and i have to give some trust to start building our trust, but every time my partner plans a night out or staying over for work i get so anxious that i find it hard to breath, eat, focus on work and i turn into a wreck. When i speak to her about it she either cancels plans or finds a way out of going. This cannot be sustained long term. I dont want her to feel this way so i decided on this occassion not to say anything so she would go and enjoy herself, that in turn is sending me crazy.

This has gone on for the last 6 months and i fear with the level of her cheating and lies it may be better for us both if we just parted ways. Any advice would be really appreciated

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sunfloweraf's picture
(2315)
May 16

@StillHurt901 Totally duped. And on top of that, then they try to justify their behavior. My husband tried this one: “Well, we had different definitions of faithfulness.” I was like, “Uhhh no….. not different definitions! Different commitment to faithfulness, different morals, different principles…. All of which were hidden from me”. It is shocking and so hurtful when they (their egos) so fiercely protect what they KNOW was wrong.

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JP1313's picture
(1425)
May 16

@StillHurt901 we've both communicated that we will give our marriage and each other a chance at rebuilding each. I actually believe that like a building muscle, you can tear it apart and break it down, and then it will build back bigger, better, and stronger. That's what I'm praying for anyway. I stay because this was so far out of character for my wife to do. I know everyone thinks the same, but it truly applies to my wife. Leading up to the affairs, her mom got cancer, I started drinking heavily and definitely wasn't supporting her and my family in the ways I should have. Her mom had gaurdiandship of two kids. When her mom passed, not only was I a drinking mess, but she loses her mom in a horrific way, and we get gaurdiandship and add two kids to our family. I continued to drink while not exactly adapting to our new family of six. It took about a year, but I think the totality of everything caused her to have a midlife crisis. I did a decent amount of research to come to that conclusion on my own. I understand this is all me justifying why she did what she did, but I think she had no one to talk to, until she found chat rooms. Then the wrong chat rooms, and the rest is history. So long story to answer your question. I stay because I think she basically snapped under the stress of grief, my drinking, and the new family. I stay for now because since I've been sober (which by the way I started my sobriety about 6 months before I found out), our family is closer than it has been in a long time. I stay because of my dream of growing old together through the best and very worst, and being able to look back and admire the accomplishments it took to get there. No one ever said it would be easy. I have enough regrets as it is, and I don't want the regret of not trying one last time.

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(1325)
May 16

@JP1313 thank you for sharing and i can only imagine its taken allot of work to come out of this and put in the work to understand the situation. I can understand why you decided to make it work and respect you for that decision, i too will have to clear the fog and make my decisions with a clear head

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