I find that after 2 years, fear has replaced hurt as my main
I find that after 2 years, fear has replaced hurt as my main emotion. Fear that I could once again so mis-judge my reality. Fear that something could be happening right now of which I am unaware but that if I did know would change my life forever. Fear that I could be hurt again. Just fear. Perhaps it is because our relationship is actually good again, and so I stand to be hurt. Whereas before, when I hated him so much after dday, I didn't give much thought to him cheating again, because hurt and pain was all I had room for, plus I didn't really care about him that much. It doesn't take much to bring on the fear, and it is hard to make it go away. I find myself checking things again like phone records, his phone etc. Which I stopped doing for the longest time. And the truth is that I don't believe I would be different w anyone else. This experience has changed me forever. Our relationship is healing and so am I. But I will never be the same trusting person I was. I will never have the same faith in people again. Now I know that anything is possible from anyone. And that is scary.
I'm sorry you are full of fear. I understand these feelings. I can't imagine this pain. There are some good articles online about living a fearless life. I've read them and they've helped me. Not so much about infidelity but more in a godly sense. I wish you weren't so fearful. I am fearful for a different reason (I worry my spouse could be with someone jealous of our life style and want me out of the picture for good.. I watch too many 20/20 or dateline shows) but nonetheless this feeling of fear consumes me. I just hate hearing you lovely women being consumed with fear. It's defeating. I wish you peace. Hugs
Me too. I completely understand
@after28years I don't think I consciously thought "ok...I may get hurt again".... I think when I did think about getting hurt again, that was fear talking...and that kept me from trying, kept me from opening up.
I think that for me, it was that I became aware that I NEEDED to be open and vulnerable. I need to let the walls down for my own sake. it was a survival choice....but it was so hard because cognitively and rationally it went against everything I thought and believed about being safe