I cheated on my wife.

I have just ended an affair with someone a few months ago.I am trying my best to put my marriage back together. I have been doing everything she asked and I have no contact with the other woman. She (my wife ) has good days and bad days. I made the mistake of withholding a few details at first when I told her what happened. And after some digging she became suspicious. I have told her and explained that they were small details i thought were insignificant, but apparently they are very important to her. She says the withholding was lying and that it was worse than the affair. I understand her being upset, but I just didnt want to hurt her. I had told her all of the facts and admitted to being with the other woman and the basics of what happened. I should have given full disclosure. Now even though she knows everything she has so much doubt, She cant trust anything I said or say. I really want to make this work and I love her and our family.(We have 3 kids)I was thinking I may be able to get some advice on how to help her. How to make her feel better. It kills me when she cries and is upset. I am very sorry for what I have done and I take all the responsibility. It seems we make 3 steps forward and two steps back constantly. Some times its as if we start all over. I dont want to rush her and I know there is a process that may take years. I am willing to spend the rest of my life trying. I just want to try to make her feel better. How can I let her really know that I want/need her and that I am trying my best to make her happy?

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(30)
Sep 3, 2012

I am also in your wifes position.This betrayl is the worst pain I have ever felt. When you trust and love someone and find out that they have cheated, lied, been sneaky, and humiliated you then its hard to see past that pain. The constant affirmation of being told your the one whos important, willing to do anything to make your relationship work at any cost is invaluable. Call her frequently during the day, put effort into making her feel special, and don't just tell her you love her but be in love with her. Women/moms take on so much and its hard to spread herself to everyone when she cant even give to herself. Be kind, supportive, and understand that she is in a world of heartache - none that you can't understand. She also has to protect her kids from this pain that she didn't ask for. Good luck.

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Leavinghim's picture
(3555)
Jul 30, 2013

Apologize over and over for months and years. I cried in my sleep for months, raged, and could not tell him Iloved him for months, this is normal. Be sincere everytime. This is important, reflect back what she says and say you are so sorry. Never say "I told you this already." Do not loose hope and don't give up. Give her her space. My husband and I read, "How to help your spouse heal from an affair." It relayed exactly what I was feeling and how to help him find the words to say. It is a short and easy read. I have read several books. "Seven principals to make a marraige work" is amazing. It initiated conversations that were fun and productive. We had a hard time talking about anything not related to the affair.
Do not ever speak to another female about your marraige again and never ever be alone in the same room. Not even if your spouse is in the house. My husband spun out of control about 3-4 months after. He later began to justify his initial reasons to why he strayed. He started to speak to another woman about work on his personal cell phone. He hid it from me and spiraled again. We have had a lot of trauma before these events and his family history. Dive into why you did this and grow. Find a mentor, a counselor, and a friend or two with emotional intelligence.
Show her that you grieve, but don't let it over shadow hers. I wanted to see that it hurt him too because I wanted justice and to see that he had some heart left. Not this monster that did this.

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(10)
Feb 9, 2015

this was really good i think it will help me a lot in my marriage ...thank you very much

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