I am off and on --mostly down in the dumps about my husband'

I am off and on --mostly down in the dumps about my husband's betrayal that I am still after discovering some evidence 15 mos ago. (He was fussing around with masseuses for about 3 years about twice a mo and went to the extent of getting a bottle of Viagra in June '15) It took about a year of off and on pleading to get most of the truth. I am still waiting for some complete medical records of his to more honestly describe what he was up to. I have been very patient and yet, I still feel like he has done very little to turn this around and make me feel loved, special , just like how I feel I should have been treated and regarded over a decade ago. We have been married for 15 yrs. and have a preteen and teen. I think I am depressed as I took him seriously when he said over a year ago--I promise you I will make it up to you. I was hopeful and actually in away looking forward to him romancing me. Well he's really been his preoccupied and kind of rude self. It was a bit like pulling teeth to get most of the truth and there's still questionable things that do not add up.....BUT I've come to realize if he had kept his promise and showed true love and remorse through being this person who would emote thoughtfulness and kindness and do just one great thing--like plan a weekend getaway or something like that & other consistent things to show he cherishes me and our marriage I think
the hurt, suspicion and bitterness towards what he did and how he has handled this day in and day out now for 15mos. would be greatly lessened. I feel like there has been very little change in behavior, where from what I read from many who are doing better here their cheaters really are consciously trying to do this,they've come clean and make at least weekly, make things right. What would you suggest as a LIST of what my husband should be doing. Tonight in disgust I told him he needs to move out and that I am pretty much done, but in my head I am hanging in there for my children...Can you give me a list maybe he'll listen to you out there. He has very little respect or contemplation for my words. It is so distressing.

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skhc's picture
[37690]
Feb 17

Are you guys in counseling? It took my husband awhile to come around, but his whole demeanor towards me has changed. He is no longer the brusque, angry guy he was. I know exactly what you mean. I ask him what changed for him, and I didn't trust it at all at first- but it's gotten better and better. His answer is pretty consistent. He says he came to realize that he was an a$$hole and I did not deserve that. He does not want to lose me, he doesn't want to only see the kids every week or two. He says he woke up and sees how important family is. He doesn't have a lot of words for me, but his actions are consistent. I don't know about a list, but your husband needs to do some soul searching and see what he values. If it's you and the kids, he needs to show it.

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[1530]
Feb 17

Well, we did go to counseling for about 5 or 6 sessions and I knew he was still not telling me the whole truth (that he actually was attempting and perhaps was "successful " at having actual intercourse with a particular masseuse and what ever other remnants of extramarital crap....) I got fed up with the superficial tone of the sessions that seemed fruitless because I told him from before therapy that if the whole truth is not out for us to work through then we will forever be broken. He is there for the kids no doubt. He is a naturally self centered person, impatient, kind of remote in relationships so that is the essence of the problem. His compulsions are to do what he "enjoys" doing. I feel like I am just a necessary cog in the wheel to make this family function at its barest level-- Cook, clean ,transport , parent, provide companionship & sex, (when we happen to be in a neutral state of being) He couild just have sex for sex sake, but I am obviously hurt and still confused. I told him--you are in some ways now a stranger to me and I need to understand who you were and are, and for one thing being painfully honest and forthcoming is who I need you to be already. Stop this charade, he claims it is all out, but is dragging his feet with the last requests I need to begin to have closure. It would make me feel much better if he tried to be more attentive emotionally, but really nothing has changed , his spots are his spots. That is why I feel so hopeless and I think counseling, particularly with his issues might help, but I am frankly tired of initiating all the repair work, writing him letters pleading and explaining my feelings and needs....to just be ignored and its "business as usual , you are here, your not "missing" so things must be o.k.....

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