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I am just wondering if anyone else has been through anything


I am just wondering if anyone else has been through anything similar - and if so, if you have any advice. My husband and I separated for several years after being together for approximately 18 years - during our separation, he began seeing another woman for a short period of time. We have since reconciled, however, we have both recently found out that he fathered a child with this woman. He (and of course myself) were completely unaware, until we received a letter in the mail for a request for paternity (which rendered a 'no chance in hell it could be anyone else's baby but his' result). He was not there for the birth, nor prenatal appointments, etc. She had not reached out to him for any reason. I love my husband very much, and we have 2 children together. We are willing to make our marriage work, *I* am willing to make our marriage work. I guess for me, I'm not even sure what my "role" is with this little one. I'm just so confused, and hurt. While I know we were separated at the time of the relationship with the "other woman" - It doesn't make it hurt any less.... and it surely doesn't make everything less confusing. The Mom part of me wants to be the best "whatever it is I am" that I can be, in regards to this new addition to his life.... but the hurt wife part of me just doesn't know what any of this even entails, or what sort of roll I'll play in any of it! Any advice (besides the whole - he's a puke, divorce him advice) is appreciated!

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flowergirl75's picture
Oct 12

Totally agree. How awkward that would be for everyone and this child needs to be in a loving environment not a tension-filled one. Sounds like you and your husband are on the same page with this... that will make things so much easier on both of you. Def get legal advice before agreeing to anything.

Oct 13

First I want to applaud you for working on your marriage and making things work. Please don't let this "surprise" be a set back or negatively impact your relationship with your husband on behalf of your marriage and your family. I say this because I know EXACTLY what you are feeling. In the every early stages of my marriage (while pregnant) with our only child I find out my husband fathered a daughter with a "woman" from high school. We had paternity testing and confirmed the child was his. I struggled just like you on what does this mean for our marriage and family. I am a Christian and as a new mother I didn't want to interfere or get in the way of a father/daughter relationship. Sometimes you can make room in your heart for another child. My best advice to you is be the wife and partner that your husband needs- support him with what he believes is best. If he chooses to try to be apart of this child's life then support him and if he chooses that it is best to be removed given the history, situation and feelings- then support him in that too. Whatever the decision- it will be a difficult one but your FIRST job is to be the best wife and mother to your children that you can be. Praying that the right decisions are made and that your marriage will stay strong not matter what!

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Because this woman has already shown her attitude towards you, you'll probably have to get a lawyer to set ground rules. This is a custody case. Whatever % finances she wants, he should get that % in custody. You should also establish rules of conduct around ALL the kids. If she starts badmouthing you in front of your kids again, it's contempt of court.


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