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I am going to apologize ahead of time because I know this po

BLH9119's picture
[215]

I am going to apologize ahead of time because I know this post is going to be quite long. I have always been the kind of person who loved to write, so I have learned to be as open and descriptive as possible. I am also an emotional kind of person, so I write all my feelings out with my words. So I am sorry if this is too long for some to read. I will post a shorter description at the bottom, if anyone wants to skip this book I am going to write and just learn the general facts. So, I guess I will get on with it.

To explain where I am today, I have to go back to well before I reached my DDay and what better spot than when my husband first mentioned her. He had been working at his job for a while when she first came in. She started a job that was positioned right next to him, and since he knew how to do the job, he was the one that had to train her. Their job calls for them to work 10 to 12 hour days, sometimes 6 days a week, so they spend a lot of time near each other. And they would hang out together on breaks and lunch. My husband and I were planning our wedding at this time. We have three kids and I was working at a job that had me working later than he did. Looking back, I wish I had seen the change in him. It was June of 2019 when the affair started. He says that she was the one who made the first move, but it doesn't matter now. What matters is that he didn't stop her. What you need to understand about this affair is that my husband and I were only 3-4 months away from our wedding date when it began. My husband also tried to get me to be friends with her. I am a wary person when it comes to women because every relationship that I have ever been in, a woman has come along and shown my boyfriend that there was better in the world and that would prompt them to cheat on me. Another important fact to know is that, in July, we attended HER wedding. Yes, my husband and this girl were sleeping together when each of them had a fiance at home. They also STILL married us, even though they had no intentions of ending the affair. This girl feel in love with my husband, and eventually made up excuses as to why she needed to separate from her husband only 4 months after they were married. It didn't help that my husband had her convinced that he did not want to be with me and that he was going to leave me for her. My husband and I married on September 1st, 2019. It was a beautiful wedding. We are both firefighters, so naturally our wedding was themed around our passion. Both sides of our family gathered to see us join together and it was a joyous day. If I had known what was going on between my husband and this girl, I may have not gone through with the wedding. And I definitely never would have allowed her to do my hair or even be at our wedding. I wonder now if he wished it was her that he had married. I wonder now if he had been in her arms instead of mine. After our wedding, we spent a week in Florida for our honeymoon. It was at this time that I stepped up and made my irritation for her known. He was spending more time texting with her than spending our honeymoon with me, so I told her to wait until we got home to continue to take his attention away. I should have realized then what was going on, but I was so blindly in love that I just couldn’t see what was happening right in front of me. After we got home from our honeymoon, I started my new job working for the same company as them. I began making friends and enjoying this new life that we had together. I did not get to see him often at work, due to us being at opposite ends of the work line, but I would ride to work with him in the morning and we would go home together. Once in a while, we would have a mass break and I would get to see him, which I regularly prayed would happen so that I would get to see him. It was a few months in to working there when I started seeing a lot of red flags. To start, she parked next to his car every morning and walked up ahead of time. Everytime that we would get up to the building, she would be outside waiting for him and she would glare at me whenever I put my arm around his or give him a kiss. During the day, if we went to mass break, she would make sure that there wasn’t a spot next to him for me to sit, so I would have to sit a few people down the wall. He would say hi to me when I would first come out, but then he spent the rest of the break talking with her and ignoring my existence. I don’t know why I didn’t see what was happening. I guess I did a little because I would get irritated with him, and I started to make my irritation known more to her as well. It got to a point where I stopped trying to be nice to her and expressed to my husband that I was not comfortable with how much time he spent with her and talking with her. He told me I was being silly and brushed it off as just stupid jealousy. But somewhere inside of me, I knew something was wrong.
This brings us to DDay. My husband’s grandmother had passed away and he was given grievance days from work. We had been arguing a bit and during one of our arguments, he had admitted that he has feelings for me, he just didn’t know what they were or if it was love. Of course, I was quite devastated to hear these words coming from his lips. Those lips that said I love you to me. Those lips that said “I do” in September. How could those lips say those words before, but now take those words back? Just a few days before DDay, we had sat in the parking lot of our work and he decided that he was going to take one of those grievance days. He said he was going to go and park to sleep for a little while longer, and then he was going to go visit the graves of all his relatives. I decided that I would take the day off also, just so that I could be there for him. He tried to convince me that he didn’t need me to do that, but I insisted that I wanted to. Then I realized that her car wasn’t parked right next to us like it always was. A feeling set into my chest and I started to panic. I asked him straight out if he was going to her. He SWORE on his daughter’s lives that he wasn’t. I let him take me home and I spent the rest of the morning crying and wondering where everything went wrong. He messaged me throughout the day and made it look like he was by himself. I wish I had followed him like I wanted too. And then…
January 8th, 2020. It was a relatively normal night for us. We were watching TV and scrolling through our phones. I had gotten a message from a coworker that I never really spoke to. He worked up in the same area as my husband and this girl. Not knowing what was about to happen, I opened it without a second thought. That was when I was hit with a sledgehammer. This guy, who barely knew me and didn’t really speak to me, was telling me that my husband has been having an affair with this girl for a while. I lost my mind. I screamed at my husband that if he wanted her, he could have her.

-Now, I will save you all a lot of time, and myself a lot of pain, and just skim over the details after DDay.-

My husband lied a lot to me. He denied everything at first, but eventually he owned up to what he had been doing. I ended up taking a week off of work because I couldn’t even function normally. I spent all day either crying or completely catatonic. I barely spent, and when I did start to fall asleep, I would wake from terrifying nightmares of what he had done or him telling me I was never good enough for him. (I have terrible codependency, extremely low self-esteem, almost zero confidence, and crippling fear of being alone. My husband knew all of this from the beginning of our 6 year relationship. He knew what he was dealing with and marrying into.) I found out that they had made plans for him to leave me. I talked, cried, and screamed at him so much, but we started to level out a little. This went on for a little over a month. I was starting to get into a little bit of a better place with my husband, and I really believed that we were going to get through this. All I asked him to do was not speak to her anymore. But I guess he didn’t think I was important enough to respect my request. February 13th, 2020, I was walking off the work floor to go to lunch, and when I rounded the corner to enter the hallway, I caught him talking with her. It was like a knife through my heart. That day, I flipped out on him and told him to leave with her because he didn’t have a home with me anymore. I also screamed that I wanted a divorce. I did all of this in front of all our coworkers because we were on mass break. I ended up doing something I regret because it is the reason that I am struggling to stay afloat during this pandemic. I decided that I was going to quit working at that company because I knew I couldn’t be in the same building as them. When I was walking out, she started to walk by me with a “I win” grin on her face. I saw red and attacked her. I am glad that there were a few people that stopped me before I did something I couldn’t come back from. The attack didn’t make me feel better though. I spent the rest of the night drinking and fighting with him. (I had been sober for almost a year at this point.) He did actually pack his suitcase and left that night. And I was an idiot, begging him the next day to come back. He swore he didn’t stay too far from home, but I ended up finding out that he did go and stay with her that night. More lies...from then, it has been hard. Just 2 weeks ago, I found out that he was STILL talking with her, and one night I found keys to her apartment in his car. I am to the point that I am tired of fighting for something that he obviously doesn’t want, even though he says otherwise. I just don’t know what else to do and I am so exhausted from it all that I sleep so much, I am easily irritated, and I just don’t have the will to get through the day. I am just barely holding on, and I am only doing that much because I have a son and two stepdaughters that I love with all my heart and I don’t want them to see me give up and just succumb to my darkness. But it is so hard to stay above water…

I guess that is all I have. Again, I am sorry it was so long. And I don’t really know what kind of support I am looking for. I guess I am just looking to get my story out there and maybe someone in this world has been through this kind of situation. Does it get better? Will he ever change? Should I just walk away, even though I am still in love with him through all of this? I just don’t know.

Short description: My husband had an affair, beginning 4 months before our wedding and continuing for 4 months after we got married. They even made plans for him to leave me. After I asked him to stop speaking with her, I caught him talking with her and I kicked him out for a night. He swore he was going to stop, but I just recently found out that he has spoken with her again and I also found keys to her apartment in his car. I am fighting for a marriage that I am not sure he even wants to be in, even though he says that he does.

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BLH9119's picture
[215]
Apr 15

@froggymom Thank you for your comment. Yes, we have been seeing a marriage counselor. We had to change from our initial counselor because she was spending more time chit-chatting with my husband about absolutely nothing and treatment me like i was the bad person in our relationship. I know that I have been very restrictive with my husband throughout our entire relationship, and I am trying to work on that while dealing with his affair, but I am in no way "emotionally abusive" which is what she was talking us. Our newest counselor is specialized in cognitive behavior trauma and is darn near perfect for us. My husband even likes him, he just doesn't like talking about his feelings or our situation.

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BLH9119's picture
[215]
Apr 15

@Scat The OW is separated from her husband completely. She moved out of his house and into her own apartment with her three children. Thank you for your support.

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beth65's picture
[28230]
Apr 15

@BLH9119 I'm sure you're doing the right thing.

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