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i already typed out a big thing and it never showed up. now

[65]

i already typed out a big thing and it never showed up. now i'm just tired again. last year my husband admitted to a very complex 12 year history of cheating on me with 23 different women, most of them several times each. sometimes he went out of town and lied about where he was. i stayed home and raised our daughters while he was having unprotected sex all over town. i'm so tired. we went to counseling, i had a break down, doctors and medications and somehow i kept breathing. i tried to focus on my kids, my job, really anything i could find to distract me. it's been a year of struggling to even accept that this is my reality. how am i supposed to move on or forgive? i hate myself, i hate the woman i have become. the hypocrite who tells my girls to have standards and self love when here i am sitting in a marriage that has all been bullshit. my anger has not subsided. there is nothing fair, and no justice. we have stayed together because i wanted to make my life altering decisions in a calmer state of mind. but i haven't gotten calmer. i have not forgiven him. i have nobody in my life to really talk to. he has made a lot of good changes in his life to try and show me that he wants us to work. that he loves me. every time he says that he loves me i want to punch him in the face, you don't do any of these things to somebody that you love. it's all bullshit. porn addiction, sex addiction, lieing about where your going when you have a wife at home alone. how can i not look at my whole life without having tainted memories and bitterness. all the time i wasted waiting at home while he worked late, or staying with the kids while he went out alone because we had no sitter. all the fun things i missed out on? how am i supposed to do this? how does anybody survive this kind of betrayal? how can he be so good to me today but so secretly terrible for all those years? how can you cheat on somebody and then come home to your wife and kiss her goodnight? i keep focusing on breathing. just get threw each day, one at a time. and i made it a whole year, and i dont feel any different? i'm still furious, i still burst out in tears while i'm washing dishes, i still have nightmares. i don't trust that anything.

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outoftheblue72's picture
[13920]
Sep 12

@upsidedown13 Im so sorry you are going through this, it is like a horror movie. :( After a year, do you have any idea what you think you will do? Will you ever be able to trust him again? My stbx was cheating for 3 years and 2-3 women (that I know of). We don't have children, so that makes things a little easier. I just know that I don't want to live with all the questions...wondering where he is, who he's with, checking his phone and email. I have a full time job already and this stage of my life, things should be getting easier, not harder. Make sure you are really getting what YOU want.

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[65]
Sep 12

it's strange, after all this he is more supportive and patient than ever. when i have a harder day or moment he is right there trying to make it easier. sometimes he just holds me while i cry and other times he lets me rage. he has talked with me a million times and answered all of my questions. even though i don't understand it, i don't think he really understands it either. we always had a great connection, he was my best friend. we could have that comfortable silence for hours or laugh and be silly. our counselor says she has never seen a couple like us. we can pause in the middle of crazy drama and go deal with work or kids and come back later and pick up where we left off, we are good at talking things out. maybe thats why it's so hard. we had this great life together and secretly he had this other life, like he separated the two. he treated each one as a single entity and they the two lives never touched. the counselor had been great, both of them really. he says it was never about the other women, or even the sex really. he said it was like an adrenaline rush to flirt and then succeed and then the crash of guilt. and he kept chasing it i guess. the lack of emotion he seemed to have with them doesnt make me feel any better about it. he tries to help keep me in the moment, in the today and not the past. we have had a lot of good times this past year, amid all the terrible days. little trips and fun things. he plans dates for just us and group things with friends or the kids. he says that he ruined everything and can't undo it, but he wants to be a better person. not just for me but all the family. counseling has helped to reveal some insights into how he treated people in general, not just me. i have to admit he has made some big changes, and it gives me hope i guess. this whole week has just been extra hard for me. hitting that year mark, i guess i was naive to expect i would feel differently. we don't heal as fast as we may like. we have built a beautiful family that extends out beyond the grandparents to friends, our spiral of people is big and colorful. i just can't make a decision that will shatter the whole painting without really coming to terms with it all. it will effect so many people in such a terrible way. part of me wants to leave and never come back and part of me knows that i made it this far i can keep going as long as he keeps trying. trying is funny word, he says that he doesnt have to try now. that it has become easy for him to be here and happy and put all of his energy into our family. that is was hard to keep up lies and feel ashamed and guilty. he still does, but it's out there and we can talk about it. and that he just gets up each day and tries to be better version of himself than he was the day before. really is has been a long hard year, but we have had a lot of good too. which sounds great, but i still have a broken heart.

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LivingNightmare's picture
[6470]
Sep 12

@upsidedown13 give it time, girl. Take all the time you need and make a decision that's best for YOU

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