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I’m struggling today friends. Yesterday I caught my husban

devastatedinptbo's picture
[76255]

I’m struggling today friends. Yesterday I caught my husband in a lie. Not about cheating, but about smoking. He quit two years ago. Not because I demanded it, because it was something he wanted to do. Part of making better choices after d-day. He’s had an on again off again struggle with quitting over the course of the 24 years I’ve known him. Over the last couple of months he’s come home from work smelling like cigarettes a few times and I’ve asked him if he was smoking again. On at least 3 occasions he has said “No”. I then went on to say to him, - if you are please just be honest with me, its the lie that I cannot handle. And he has responded with - I would never lie to you again about anything. It’s just not worth the risk and being honest with you feels so good.
Yesterday I caught him with a pack of cigarettes that he’s been hiding in our van.
I just don’t know what to do now. He lied straight faced to me, repeatedly. And I believed him .... again.
I was devastated. There was no fight. I was upset and tearful after catching him. He’s apologized repeatedly. But his words literally mean nothing. Today I don’t feel anything. I wonder why he wants to be in a relationship with someone he doesn’t even trust enough to be honest with about something as minor as this. And I wonder how I can ever trust him about anything when it seems like after two years of hard work, he clearly doesn’t understand how important honesty is. It’s obvious he has a pattern of not dealing with shame over bad choices by lying so he can continue the behaviour. Does this mean he really cannot ever change and mature enough to make the right choices when difficult situations arise?

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Ellen4550's picture
[20125]
Oct 8

@Dnewk I was going to say something similar last night..I don’t believe everybody lies and I think a lie is a lie is a lie whether it is white, green or lavender...I hate liars...and I have never understood why somebody would lie when there is absolutely no reason to lie( I’m referring to my husband) .I think to go through life thinking, “well, everybody lies “ is kind of sad...just my 2 cents

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[2370]
Oct 8

@Ellen4550 thanks for backing me up in a very polite way. Sometimes I don't come off that way but really try to not offend anyone. I just talked to someone who knows me well and asked if they think I could lie. They told me I spill my guts to them every time they talk to me, and as fast as I talk, there would be no time to fit a lie in there.

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devastatedinptbo's picture
[76255]
Oct 8

@Dnewk I agree with you and Ellen, not everyone lies. I hate lying and now there’s just not room for it on any level in my relationship.

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