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I’m struggling today friends. Yesterday I caught my husban

devastatedinptbo's picture

I’m struggling today friends. Yesterday I caught my husband in a lie. Not about cheating, but about smoking. He quit two years ago. Not because I demanded it, because it was something he wanted to do. Part of making better choices after d-day. He’s had an on again off again struggle with quitting over the course of the 24 years I’ve known him. Over the last couple of months he’s come home from work smelling like cigarettes a few times and I’ve asked him if he was smoking again. On at least 3 occasions he has said “No”. I then went on to say to him, - if you are please just be honest with me, its the lie that I cannot handle. And he has responded with - I would never lie to you again about anything. It’s just not worth the risk and being honest with you feels so good.
Yesterday I caught him with a pack of cigarettes that he’s been hiding in our van.
I just don’t know what to do now. He lied straight faced to me, repeatedly. And I believed him .... again.
I was devastated. There was no fight. I was upset and tearful after catching him. He’s apologized repeatedly. But his words literally mean nothing. Today I don’t feel anything. I wonder why he wants to be in a relationship with someone he doesn’t even trust enough to be honest with about something as minor as this. And I wonder how I can ever trust him about anything when it seems like after two years of hard work, he clearly doesn’t understand how important honesty is. It’s obvious he has a pattern of not dealing with shame over bad choices by lying so he can continue the behaviour. Does this mean he really cannot ever change and mature enough to make the right choices when difficult situations arise?

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FrankNew1234's picture
Oct 23

Believe me when I tell you I am trying to be very sensitive to your issue.
I took a look at your story and I truly was speechless.

I took a look at your post of Oct 6th.
I mean this from my heart when I say I don't want to add anything to your hurt.
But maybe it would help if you looked at your post through another set of eyes.
My eyes.
And below is what my eyes saw.

The following are your words, but they are the words that caught my attention.

Again, i am truly sorry and I really mean it when I say I hope I am being most sensitive to this.

I caught my husband in a lie

he responded "I would never lie to you again"

He lied repeatedly.
I believed him

two years of hard work
he clearly doesn’t understand

pattern of not dealing with shame

cannot ever change

his words mean nothing

I wonder how I can ever trust him
I’m struggling
I was devastated.
upset and tearful
I don’t feel anything

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Oct 23

@devastatedinptbo this sounds hopeful! Hang In there. ❤️

Oct 23

Omg.. I feel your pain. The exact same thing happened about a year and a half ago. Sneaky smokes... smell... lies.... the feeling of hopelessness that he’ll never stop lying.
One thing Ive realized is some people just don’t know how to deal with confrontation. And if they are in the wrong it’s a knee **** reaction to lie. It could be they had harsh parents or were never heard as children.
What you can do is try to show that you can be completely calm when told something. Your reaction and handling of his answers may help him open up more. But sadly, bad habits die hard.


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