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Hi everyone. Well where do I start...... the last year of

Hi everyone.

Well where do I start...... the last year of my life has been very complicated. Last may I moved out of the family home believing my wife had fallen out of love with me and taking me for granted.

A week and a half past and she begged me to try again, she said if there was no one else what reason do I have to give up.

So I agreed, i was commited to being apart from the marital home for a year due to a rental agreement I had made prior to leaving but we both agreed we would be faithful!

Fast forward to November 24th and things were going great (imo) our respect for one another had come back, I felt appreciated, our love life was magical again and everything seemed on course for me to move back in spring 2019.

However my wife went out on this night for a drink with some people from work, I was working nights and I'd asked her to call me to say she had got home safely. She called me prior to that call to say she was extremely drunk and would be going home soon.

When she called me later I remember asking her to make sure she was in the house before getting me off the phone, she seemed to want to get me off the phone before going into the house which I found strange but didn't question it as she said the taxi driver was making sure she got inside the door.

Then in mid December she tells me out of the blue, that May is coming around quickly and she's not sure if she is ready for me to move back.
I said to her to not worry and that I thought things were going great but that if I needed to I had an option for another year on my apartment but that wasn't what I wanted but that we didn't have to rush.

Christmas comes and goes and we had a great time, then mid January she drops the bomb she doesn't want to be with me anymore. I'm completely devastated, broken hearted, I begged her to go to marriage counselling with me and that if there was no one else why not (same thing she used on me) she still refused but was adamant there is no one else.

Anyway I found one of her work colleagues on fb (who she had told me to block) and asked if she knew why my wife would want to end our marriage.

Her reply was that she has been f**king her boss and that apparently she gives him b** jobs in the car on a Friday (her boss is 53 and she is 33 and she's never been the type of girl who likes or does that sort of act in our marriage maybe 4 times in 10 years). So I confront her with these messages and she tells me the woman has been sacked as she is an alcoholic (this is true) and that my wife had made a statement which was used to sack said woman and that this is her revenge, she said her boss is old enough to be her dad and that she wouldn't cheat on me, swore on the kids and the eyes didn't blink when she told me.

I believed her!

Move forward to February 12th and we had just had an amazing day out together we spent the whole day shopping, fancy meal, enjoying each others company and made love that night, everything seemed perfect. The next day she goes to work and im not at work until the evening, she returns from work, takes me outside and confesses that she had sex with her boss, in our house, in our bed, said she was so drunk she didn't know what she was doing and that she has regretted it ever since, but all the other accusations are untrue.

When I add things up there were some days where she worked late, the seat in the car was at a funny angle and the informant was telling the truth about them having sex, although she implied more than once.

I just can't seem to let go of the fact my wife is probably still lying to me about how much actually happened as she knows that the oral sex for me would be a bigger deal than the intercourse, purely because she won't do it with me.

I just don't know what to do, I know I can forgive, I love this woman I'm just broken inside

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View 8 More Comments
Mar 14

@jarofflies, yea, see that's what made it more difficult for me with my husband. He was a drunk for 7 years of our marriage (after he promised before we married to never drink knowing I wouldn't marry him if he drank socially because his family has alcoholism and my father was an addict.) So after we married he became full blown in his addiction. Then finally after he went to rehab, I never really completely trusted him because when a person is an addict they constantly lie. So I knew that's what he was doing again with this addiction to the people he was flirting and whoring around with. He was lying his arse off again putting me through the same thing only with a different addiction and started that same gas lighting bee ess. And be4 that he was always willing to work on our marriage in counseling. But once he started the affair with our neighbor, that was it, he told me I was the one that needed counseling because I was imagining the entire episode. Gas lighting is what addicts and cheaters do.

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Mar 18

@Scat Addiction is a tough thing. I don't blame my addiction but I can say i did many things I wouldn't have done sober, harmed many people and hurt myself in many way. In sobriety Honesty is key. In any 12 step program to my knowledge honesty, open mindedness and willingness are in "how it works". Seems so simple to apply that to marriage but even being clean over 5 years before meeting my wife I did not truly apply that nearly as well as I could have. I have a better faith today and still working on it but whatever we choose to be a higher power puts in our lives what we need. There is a powerful prayer they use in N/A-Take my will and my life, guide me in my recovery, show me how to live. For me my will I also call my ego and sometimes its also the bondage of my past I don't easily let go. No letting go of our past blinds us from many of the opportunities were offered in our present. In my experience some of it is fear based and fear of the unknown or change but remaining open minded to new possibilities probably isn't easy with people having been hurt. Looking at ones self really honestly we can focus where we were wrong as we can control what we do about it. No one deserves to be cheated on or repeatedly lied to etc but in many cases past junk had the writing on the wall. Some others maybe not but the key for me today is what ministers to my heart. I do my best to work with and help her but I'm not able to guide her in her recovery or show her how to live as I ask that question personally to god. How could I be that role for anyone. I share my experience, strength and hope with others and not advise. Well I try to. Anyway at the end of this what i am trying to say those 12 steps actually have a place in every persons life I have ever met. Very often though people have no interest, a misunderstanding of what they are or simply not open minded to trying or fear of actually applying. They are a spiritual set of principals not religious and the word GOD in them chased me away from truly embracing them sooner then I could have. Addiction is often covering up many other problems well for me the actual "fun" of them had long passed before I got clean and whatever door you close with an active addict in your life I suggest leaving open (not to be in a relationship) but leave it open for the person if they get clean to at least have someone in their corner when clean even if just to make amends or have an honest conversation. If they are using I still help many people but I typically let them know my hand is out when they are truly ready to be honest and I have seen many people fail trying to get clean but I have seen many make it. Send years and over a decade clean and some make it, others don't and many die. All we can control is our actions and attitudes never those of others.

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hap's picture
Mar 18

For some people cheating is like a drug addiction. The high that they get from cheating is far more intense than the high that they would with their husband or wife


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