Hi everyone, not sure how many have read my story, but I jus

Hi everyone, not sure how many have read my story, but I just want to come on here and say how devastated and heart broken I still feel. My moms is constantly filled with thoughts about the details of his cheating. The fact that he knew my brother was also having sex with my cousins wife, and still went for it and asked her to meet up with him, it just doesn’t make sense to me. Is he a sicko?! Is he a pervert?! And I had no idea? How can he feel so comfortable doing all of this, especially with woman I knew. If you can even call them women! They knew me and would speak to me and they all went behind my back to engage in this nastiness. I feel like I’ve been trying to get a logical explanation as to why he chose all these women. Did he really find them more attractive than me? I feel like I’m driving myself crazy trying to find out the details about everything.

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Kas1966's picture
Oct 15

@Betrayalincali when you go through the trauma of infidelity you lose yourself and you lose your mind. That's why reaching out for support is so important in the early stages. Your mind is constantly going there is no down time same for your emotions. You become hypersensitive and it takes its toll on you both mentally and physically. In our minds we make the affairs so much more than they really were. We do this imo to understand how could they do this to us.

devastatedinptbo's picture
Oct 16

@Betrayalincali Kas is right. We keep searching for some logical explanation as to how they could have done this to us. What I’ve come to learn through therapy and self education and the good people on this site is that There Are No Good Reasons Why, AND they Didn’t Do This To Hurt Us. It actually wasn’t about us at all. It was about them feeling so crappy about themselves that they were literally grasping at anything and anyone readily available to make the feel temporarily better in that moment. It was an emotionally safe option for them because they didn’t have to make themselves emotionally vulnerable to these women. They could pretend to be the together person they wanted to be. And at the same time there was an element of self destruction because deep inside they actually didn’t feel worthy of us, but were too arrogant and self centred to take personal ownership and responsibility over why they didn’t feel good. They took the easy, selfish out, which was to blame their spouse and relationship for their dissatisfaction with life instead. This is how my husband now explains it. He was living in a depressed state and was incapable of feeling any real emotions. Only moments of selfish, physical release or gratification… which he immediately felt ashamed about. He didn’t care about the ow, or me or himself. Talking about any of this with me wasn’t an option at the time because he had so little understanding about what was going on in his mind. The ow pursued and made herself very sexually available. The attention boosted his ego and it was an easy way to feel something… even if it was just small moments of physical release. And he didn’t have to care about her, or talk to her about anything real, or feel disappointed and ashamed with her because she was just as low and disgusting as he was. Our egos make it difficult for us to believe that they didn’t think about hurting us, and it’s hard to accept that we could have mattered so little, but emotionally immature people don’t consider the consequences of their actions on others. He can change and become a more emotionally mature person, but he has to want to change and put in the effort to understand the roots of his behaviour, identifying the emotional habits he has, snd have a plan for how to change those ingrained habits. And you both probably have relationship and communication habits that also need to change at the same time after being together for so long. Sue Johnson’s book Hold me Tight is a good starting place for understanding the dynamics of communication for building healthy, emotional bonds.

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Inmylittleroom's picture

What i have learned...
Women In general find sex as a way of bonding and be emotionally expressive. Men in general can have detached sex alot easier than women. So alot of men do it for the fun of it.
But that is not an excuse for going out side of a relationship. Your man most likely does not care about any other women but you. To him sex is just a thing to do... like a sport. Very doubtful he will change. You need to find someone who wants to be exclusive. I am so sorry you have been put through this.

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