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Hi everyone, I came on here to get some feedback and enco

[1840]

Hi everyone,

I came on here to get some feedback and encouragement. I have been married 8 years been with hubby 10. When we married l knew he was not fully the man of my dreams but l figured he was a good man and he was there for me through many tough situations. I figure we could grow together and build the bond and life we wanted.

I was true to the marriage and safeguard our marriage against outside influence. One of my major doubt when we married was our 4 year age difference, I was 23 he was 19. I felt very uncomfortable but he looked way older than his age, it did take me a long time to accept it. He also had a sheltered life for a guy so he is mature but he is also not as mature as l need a man to be.

Anyway, the marriage has been very unhappy and locluster because he was not invested. I felt neglected and lonely. I did everything possible and l spoke to him about hiw I felt, but only when things got bad did he "try" to be present in the marriage.

I tried different methods but nothing could get him to fully be committed to the marriage.

Please not he never cheated.

Anyway, l had an affair about 2 years ago, crazy enough..... I told my hubby before it happened. I told him l was feeling vulnerable and I was developing an attraction to someone at work. My life consist of home, work, church.
I was sure this would encourage us to work at the marriage but it did not. Instead weeks later I started communicating with thd guy at work via phone and there were a few kisses but NO sex. The affair did go on for a while. Until he found out via the messages and I ended the affair and we patched things up.

One would have thought we would have both learned from the affair.

Fast forward to October 2018. Our marriage was going down the drain once again. I tried to save it but at this point l am exhausted and over it. I became depressed, our anniversary was coming up and l was planning for it half heartedly. I did not think we had anything to celebrate but I decided that I owed it to myself to take a trip so if l continue to plan that would be the basis on which I was doing it. The reality is that on every anniversary, I gave the same speech and plight if celebrating happiness and love and not just years.

I fell into a deep depression and all I could think about was I cannot celebrate another empty anniversary.
What puzzles me is that again l fell for someone at work. Different job. He was who I would consider my ideal. He is older, mature, in my field etc. He too is married. I somehow told my husband about this and it did not prevent the affair once again.

The issue is, I feel like I was the one that orchestrated this affair. I had asked my hubby for a divorce. I was angry at him for the years of neglect and for making me feel so low that l offered myself on a platter to another man. I was angry and broken and over the marriage.

The bad thing is that this is really an affair it went too far...... It has become Sexual and now l don't know what to do.

Affair partner is in the process of getting a divorce....... Not because of me.

My hubby want to work things out but l no longer trust myself...... Not my mind, not my heart..... Nothing. He has apologized for his role and has really snapped out of whatever daze he was in for 8 years.

However, with everything l have been through and everything that has happened with my affair partner. I don't know if l have the energy to fix the marriage. I feel sad to know that I truly invested my all in the marriage and know t b at if my husband had invested we could have had a lovely marriage that could have avoided the affairs. He said he don't want to let go because he know he did not try and want the opportunity to invest now,. But I have nothing to invest.

The problem is I can't invest, I can't leave and l am still with my affair partner.

There is so much more to the story but I tried to give a good id over view. Also we have a child.... Hubby and I.

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[1840]
Jan 14

@Scat

Hi Scat, I had a breakthrough yesterday and things are getting better.

As far as AP, I tried to have a conversation with him on Saturday to end things. That situation comes with its own nuances. I think he is very narcissistic. I also think he sees it coming. Anyway he has a tendency to try and avoid certain conversations at all cost. I tried to end things many time before but he never let me have closure.

Therefore I decided to be OK with not having a talk and end things in a way that provides me with closure.

I am done, and I told my hubby as well. Please pray that l remain strong and do not allow him to reel me back in.

I had a family devotion before leaving home and I openly prayed for that situation. I also whisper little prayers throughout the day begging God to help me maneuver everything concerning him.

I need to follow up with him regarding work stuff but l will do so via email and from my work phone. I will setvthe undertone so that he sees that I am done.

We do have a tendency to ignore each other at work.

Please pray that l deal with the shift in our relationship well and I don't feel like l need him.

I really don't want to run back into this man's arms.

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[147075]
Jan 14

@BabyS, well if you really wanna be sure he doesn't lure you back in then you could get your husband on the other line and have him listen in and tell him right in front of your husband or tell him in an email but send your husband a carbon copy so he knows your husband is aware of all the details.

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[2165]
Jan 14

@BabyS I’m glad your vision includes your marriage. I’m sorry you didn’t have security or anyone trustworthy in your childhood but I applaud you for recognizing it. That’s the first step and one you should be very proud of. I have a wonderful Christian counselor but it took me awhile to find him. Not all counselors are the same so make sure you find one who offers good, sound advice and believes in the sanctity of marriage like you do. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers.

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