Hi everyone, I am new here. I am a 35 year old female. I was

Hi everyone, I am new here. I am a 35 year old female. I was in a relationship with my high school sweet heart for 17 years. We never got married, because I guess he just never really wanted to get married. He always had excuses and never asked me to marry him. I would bring it up often but he would always say that we already lived together and it was already like we were married. We often argued about small things and we weren’t happy that often anymore. We had good days and we had bad days, but we stayed together. He was my first boyfriend ever and I believe I was his third. He had been sexually active way before me, so I was not his first. I felt like he started disliking the person I was because he would often say he was “tired of the way I was” and that he just wasn’t happy and that I would argue about small stuff. I admit that I probably did argue about any petty little thing and I really have no excuse for the way I acted. I feel like I had resentment towards him for never marrying me. I felt like he didn’t care about what Was important to me. So, reason why I’m here. On August 25 we were in the middle of a vacation when I caught him sending a nude to my cousins wife! I literally lost it. I couldn’t believe what I had just seen. (My cousins wife has also been having a sexual relationship with my brother) my boyfriend knew about her and my brother and he still decided to be sexting her. I was broken. I couldn’t understand why he would do that. He was also really close to my cousin (the women’s husband) he spoke to him often and even considered him one of his closest friends. I don’t understand how he was close to my cousin and still went after his wife. How did he not feel anything doing this to me and my cousin?!
Fast forward a week after this incident, I started digging in his socia media accounts, PayPal everything on his phone. And I found out he was sexting and sending sex toys to other women that I also knew! Women that we both knew from high school! These women pretended to be my friends on my social media accounts and were sexting my boyfriend. I confronted him and he just keep apologizing and saying he was “lost in this nasty game”. He kept promising he would change and that he made the biggest mistake of his life. He is a liar and a cheater and I don’t know whether I should believe him or not. I’ve cried every single day since the incident and I just can’t get myself out of this hole. I am torn and feel like these past 17 years have been fake. I feel like I don’t know who he is. I never in a million years expected this from him. I have been staying at my parents house since I cut the vacation short. My life has been hell. I love him but I hate him for what he did. It makes me so sick that I knew all these women and most of them denied everything sleeping with him, but I feel like they only denied it because they are all also in relationships and have children. He claims he never slept with any, but I don’t believe it at all and he won’t tell me the truth. I am destroyed and depressed and feel like I will never heal from this.

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I feel you! I’m just about a month into separation, and only a couple weeks post my husband cheating on me with a man! Our minds go crazy with so many questions and thoughts, and just everything. Even though it feels neurotic, I have found it really helpful to “go nuts” out loud to my friends, and my therapist haha! I am so sorry you’re going through this, the hurt and devastation is killer and I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone. Keep talking about your feelings, I don’t know what your day to day life includes, but find ways to distract yourself, and do things for you. There are many of us here that are willing to listen, and share in the pain right along with you. The comment above is spot on, it has nothing to do with you (I know it’s hard to believe and this all just crushes your self worth and esteem) and men are a different breed, the compartmentalization and just getting their needs met in that very moment is truly all that’s going on with them (typically). Hang in there, we are here for you!

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devastatedinptbo's picture
Oct 15

@SuffocatingHeartache Hang in there. 6 weeks is very early in the recovery process. I was a total mess the first 6 months, just going through the motions of each day. I could barely eat or sleep and am thankful that I had understanding employers because my work efficiency was terrible. Keep working at it. For the first year and a half I heavily depended on distraction techniques when my mind was spiralling out of control and ruminating on the other woman. Cardio exercise in particular like spin or boxing style classes helped me focus in the moment and release stress. This in turn helped me sleep better. The endorphin release helped with depression and physically I felt better about myself. At home I baked or did jigsaw puzzles or other tasks that involved physical movement and concentration as recommended by my therapist. Reading and understanding more about infidelity was also helpful. His choices to cheat and lie really are not about something lacking in you, but are about what is lacking in him. Mindful meditation techniques can also be helpful. Look up a Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) course in your area. Take it in person if you can. Also, force yourself to start getting out and being social with others. Even if you don’t feel like it.

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stepbystep2021's picture

@devastatedinptbo good practical advise. Thanks for sharing

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