Hello! This is not about me sharing my story of being cheate

Hello! This is not about me sharing my story of being cheated on, but just ask some questions. After reading jamiemaddrox2020's post, I read a comment written by a woman, whose husband has cheated on her repeatedly, but doesn't want his wife to see a male friend that have known for 30+ years. If that's true, then how come cheaters have to hide their deepest secrets from their current partners are having sex with someone outside of their relationship? What are they afraid of? Losing their relationship? If they TRULY don't love their partner, why are they still in the relationship? Is it so hard to tell someone that you don't love that person? I don't really get those typical cheaters. I want to hear your opinions on this.

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FreeWill2Go's picture
Dec 13

@SimonaAlex I will try to answer your questions as much as I can.
Your question: If that's true, then how come cheaters have to hide their deepest secrets from their current partners are having sex with someone outside of their relationship? Not all affairs have to involve having sex with other people. According to my daughter and wife, people can have internet relationships via social media without any physical contact or intimacy, and that would still be cheating; I never knew that was considered cheating, but hey, it's a new era in a digital world. I worked with people in my past who cheated on their wives, and they didn't keep it a secret from their co-workers, totally transparent. I don't know how they maintained their marriage, but some cheaters keep it a secret so they can feel secure with what they have (wife), and have a taste of something new they can't have or not allowed to have on the side (girlfriend or lover). For some men, it's a confidence builder or sexual conquest to build their ego. For others, it’s a matter of they’re married or in a relationship, but not happy with it. I had a co-worker who told us stories about some of his sexual conquests when he cheated on his wife, and he had a best friend who took the blame and became the scape goat when his wife kept discovering the evidence. In fact he told us a story about his wife finding a woman's under garment in his car, and he made up a story about his best friend borrowing his car to take his girl friend out on a date. That same guy (a married man) also told us a story about how he had an affair with his neighbor (married woman), and their spouses never found out about their affair. They still remained married to their original spouses after it happened, and he had a daughter. I think some cheaters keep it a secret because they don’t want to lose respect and be labeled a cheater, or labeled as the bad person in the relationship.

Your question: What are they afraid of? They want to have their cake and eat it too, so to speak. They don't want a divorce, or to risk breaking up the family, and like feeling secure with a solid foundation, but also want what they can't have. One of my friends long ago told me that men biologically are incapable of being monogamists; I'm not sure if that's true, but that's what he said, which sounded accurate to me.

Your question: Losing their relationship? Already answered, refer to the previous question. In the case of divorce, there are a lot of legal implications involved that have financial consequences and setbacks.

Your question: If they TRULY don't love their partner, why are they still in the relationship? It's all about emotions and compatibility; maturity has a lot to do with it too. There are fine grey lines between caring about someone, loving someone, and being in love. When I first met my wife, I got her pregnant long before we got married, and I cared about her. We had a lot of conflict, but I kept thinking that it was healthy for new couples, especially for a young couple like us. I cared about her, but I had mistook caring about her, for being in love. Plus, we had the baby before marriage, we were from 2 different countries, and if I didn't marry my wife, she was going to go back to her country with my child, and I would never see him again. I grew up believing that if a man gets a woman pregnant, then, he's responsible for that woman and the child; that's what my parents and uncles and aunts all taught me. It's a difficult decision to make when you have to choose your own happiness, or choose to be part of your child's life and sacrifice your own happiness in hope of having a wonderful family. Every year after we were married, I kept telling myself that things will get better, and I will learn to love my wife for who she is and appreciate having her in my life. Instead of forming a stronger bond, we became more distant. It's hard to differentiate between loving and caring sometimes. My wife and I never were really compatible with each other from the very beginning, but I kept pretending that everything was alright, and hoping that things would turn around. Now, we treat our marriage like it's a platonic friendship, and we have more respect for each other and don't fight as much by doing that. We work together when we need to get involved in parenting our kids.

To effectively answer your question, sometimes people make bad decisions when they're young, and they don't realize it, until they're older. For some people, it might be because when there are kids involved in that relationship, and both people start talking divorce, it gets scary and ugly. The kids experience an emotional and psychological impact, some states require both parties to live independently apart for 6 months prior to filing for divorce, then attorney/legal fees can run upwards of $20,000, then child support, alimony payments, allocating assets (including financial assets, especially if the couple resides in a community property state), selling a home and splitting the sales proceeds evenly with the former spouse (regardless of who actually paid for the home). Ultimately, there are too many complications involved in a divorce that will make you get dizzy thinking about it, and most likely, 1 person will end up being poor and struggling to survive. If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.

I cheated on the woman who is now my wife, but that was back before we got married. Back then, I was a young buck in my early 20’s, in the Navy, and I had some friends putting bad ideas in my head with reasons or excuses of why it was alright to cheat on her. My wife knows about it, and she brought it up all the time whenever we fought or argued. I kept telling her that it happened before our marriage, and it was over 17 years ago when I did that. In retrospect, that was a horrible thing to do, and I didn't consider the other person's thoughts or feelings. Now, I'm much older (a little less than twice that age) and a little wiser, but the damage was already done. Now I know the consequences of that decision, and it's a disgraceful moment in my life. It’s a skeleton in my closet that rears its ugly head on rare occasions.

Your question: Is it so hard to tell someone that you don't love that person? Yes, 100% absolutely, YES, it is, but I did it 3 times, twice this year, and it's hard to look the person in the face when you tell them. The longer you wait, the worse it is (found out from experience), especially when you have been together for more than 1 1/2 decades, and the other person feels like they wasted their life with the relationship, or in my case, marriage. At some point in that person’s life, he or she will have to do some deep self-discovery or soul searching to figure out if he/she is in love with his/her partner, or if it’s just misinterpreted emotions, and when that happens, that person will need to come clean by being honest with the other person in that relationship.

Sorry for the long post, and I hope this helps answer your questions.

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SimonaAlex's picture
Dec 13

@FreeWill2Go Thank you for your answer. It's no fun, when people choose these decisions.

FreeWill2Go's picture
Dec 14

@SimonaAlex You're welcome. It's detrimental to the relationship, and it usually ends with a lot of pain and sorrow; sad, but true. It's not just men who cheat either, my wife's friend and my neighbor across the street from me (both women), had affairs when their husbands weren't around. My wife had an eye for spotting the clues, and she kept bringing it to my attention.

One of my friends who was a good guy had his wife cheat on him with another woman, until she eventually left him for the woman with whom she had an affair. She kept it a secret and kept lying to him about it, until he figured out what was going on and confronted her about it. He thought she was having an affair with another man, but he was shocked to learn that she was in love with a woman.

There was a lot of adultery going on when I was in the military. When the cat's away, the mouse will play.


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