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Hello... new here. I had an ongoing affair with a coworker f


Hello... new here. I had an ongoing affair with a coworker for about 3 months before my H became suspicious and checked phone records then confronted me. I admitted to the affair but held back or lied about some details. At first I felt very numb toward him and the whole situation and even sort of wanted him to divorce me. I did not immediately end the affair nor did I promise to or beg forgiveness, etc. I did stop talking to and seeing the OM initially but soon it became harder to continue that. I continued acting ambivalent toward my H and the situation mostly leaving it to him to talk and make the decision. Then about 2 weeks of this, he said he wanted to divorce. We started the filing process through a paralegal but haven't yet filed. However, during that time I resumed the affair with the OM and became pregnant. I withheld that information from my H hoping I would have a miscarriage and even considering abortion although I'm strongly against it personally. I pushed to move out of our home to continue hiding the pregnancy and got a rental. I told the OM about the baby very soon after finding out and he was very happy. He (the OM) has been financially and emotionally supportive (drs appointments, etc) during the pregnancy; however, this is also preventing me from completely cutting all ties with him. This pregnancy has seriously complicated this already complex situation, and I don't know how my H and I can move forward. He now knows about the pregnancy and does not want to be part of this child's life at all and isn't sure he wants to be part of mine anymore. In fact, he originally said in all certainty he absolutely wanted a divorce and pushed for paperwork top ferry signed right away for about a week. I have told him divorce is not what I want and I would like to try working things out. I can understand his huge hesitation in trusting me or being vulnerable again, but I sincerely believe our relationship could be so much better than it was before. I am truly sorry for what I've done and have expressed this to him. I've told the OM that I think we should consider adoption for the baby and have ended our relationship and communication other than about the baby. This is also tearing him apart and for that I feel terrible, which in turn makes me feel very guilty. I have been reading/listening to books, blogs, articles, etc. I want to go to therapy but don't think I can afford it. My H has said he is not interested in going to therapy but is supportive of me going if I want. We have separated finances already, so I would have to figure out how to pay for it. My H has admitted to enjoying not having to answer to anyone (we switch off weeks having our 2 kids), and even admitted to joining a dating website and "grabbing drinks" with women on "only a couple of occasions". I admitted to him that hurt me and since then have told him that if he wants to try to work things out, continuing the dating is unacceptable to me. I told him obviously the choice is his but if he decides to continue then he's giving me his answer about whether he wants to try or not. I got no response to that text. Prior to that, he had told me that he thought we should wait until after I have the baby and proceed with the adoption before we decide what to do. Since then, he's completely back tracked again and says he wants a divorce and just can't see a future with us working things out. I know these emotions are normal and too be expected. He keeps saying most people would call him a fool for staying and it would be like saying it was okay what I did to him. I disagree but can't force him over way or another. I just don't want to be too passive or too aggressive. Has anyone gone through anything remotely similar and can offer advice?

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Sep 24

The thought just occurred to me if your husband was willing to reconcile (?) you two could put him as the father on the birth certificate when the baby is born. Then the other dude would have to request a DNA test. I've heard courts like to favor the father in the marriage. That'd be messed up for the other guy. But then again maybe the other man would agree to a hands off relationship with the baby if you and your husband are eventually able to reconcile. Is your baby due soon? Maybe you have time to win your husband back. What I'd do if I was trying to win my husband back under the circumstances you reveal here is, firstly, I'd give him time, leave him alone, give him space. Secondly, I'd suggest counseling for the family under the guise you two could better co parent your other children if you got along and were civil to each other. Thirdly, I'd try to be his friend and a listening ear to him about his woes and life. Eventually he could grow to forgive you and want you back. But it may take a long while.

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Sep 24

@Scat I am sorry, but I totally disagree with the idea you’re proposing here. First of all it is never a good idea to lie and deceive; the truth always comes out in the end. But this plan seems to totally disregard the rights of the unborn child, who has no voice in this chaotic mess. In my opinion, lying about who the real father is, is definitely not in the best interest of the child. What happens if this child is raised by the husband, forms a bond with him, and believes he is his/her father. Then later in life the child finds out this is not his/her biological father?... Only then to realize he/she doesn’t know who their bio dad is, and that they were lied to their whole life; that could be a huge life-changing trauma for that person, shattering trust in everyone. Even if the husband agreed to reconciling and raising the child as his own (which I don’t think is a great possibility), he may retain resentment which could subconsciously be taken out on the child. Would that be fair to the child?... Also it sounds like the bio dad really wants to be a part of this child’s life. Lying about who the father is, is in my opinion, a terrible idea that would be unfair to everyone involved. Especially the unborn child who has no say in what these adults decide regarding his/her life.......

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Sep 30

Wow, that is complicated... So sorry for everyone involved... I am not a cheater, but I have been cheated on multiple times by both of my husbands. I am completely aware of how devastating that can be. I also would not be surprised if my first husband had other children out there from his infidelities. However, I also know that GOD is the Great Healer. He can take an extremely complicated situation and make something beautiful out of it. He can restore marriages, but you have to give him all the pieces.

Here is a link you might find helpful...

Praying for you!


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