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Hello... new here. I had an ongoing affair with a coworker f

[320]

Hello... new here. I had an ongoing affair with a coworker for about 3 months before my H became suspicious and checked phone records then confronted me. I admitted to the affair but held back or lied about some details. At first I felt very numb toward him and the whole situation and even sort of wanted him to divorce me. I did not immediately end the affair nor did I promise to or beg forgiveness, etc. I did stop talking to and seeing the OM initially but soon it became harder to continue that. I continued acting ambivalent toward my H and the situation mostly leaving it to him to talk and make the decision. Then about 2 weeks of this, he said he wanted to divorce. We started the filing process through a paralegal but haven't yet filed. However, during that time I resumed the affair with the OM and became pregnant. I withheld that information from my H hoping I would have a miscarriage and even considering abortion although I'm strongly against it personally. I pushed to move out of our home to continue hiding the pregnancy and got a rental. I told the OM about the baby very soon after finding out and he was very happy. He (the OM) has been financially and emotionally supportive (drs appointments, etc) during the pregnancy; however, this is also preventing me from completely cutting all ties with him. This pregnancy has seriously complicated this already complex situation, and I don't know how my H and I can move forward. He now knows about the pregnancy and does not want to be part of this child's life at all and isn't sure he wants to be part of mine anymore. In fact, he originally said in all certainty he absolutely wanted a divorce and pushed for paperwork top ferry signed right away for about a week. I have told him divorce is not what I want and I would like to try working things out. I can understand his huge hesitation in trusting me or being vulnerable again, but I sincerely believe our relationship could be so much better than it was before. I am truly sorry for what I've done and have expressed this to him. I've told the OM that I think we should consider adoption for the baby and have ended our relationship and communication other than about the baby. This is also tearing him apart and for that I feel terrible, which in turn makes me feel very guilty. I have been reading/listening to books, blogs, articles, etc. I want to go to therapy but don't think I can afford it. My H has said he is not interested in going to therapy but is supportive of me going if I want. We have separated finances already, so I would have to figure out how to pay for it. My H has admitted to enjoying not having to answer to anyone (we switch off weeks having our 2 kids), and even admitted to joining a dating website and "grabbing drinks" with women on "only a couple of occasions". I admitted to him that hurt me and since then have told him that if he wants to try to work things out, continuing the dating is unacceptable to me. I told him obviously the choice is his but if he decides to continue then he's giving me his answer about whether he wants to try or not. I got no response to that text. Prior to that, he had told me that he thought we should wait until after I have the baby and proceed with the adoption before we decide what to do. Since then, he's completely back tracked again and says he wants a divorce and just can't see a future with us working things out. I know these emotions are normal and too be expected. He keeps saying most people would call him a fool for staying and it would be like saying it was okay what I did to him. I disagree but can't force him over way or another. I just don't want to be too passive or too aggressive. Has anyone gone through anything remotely similar and can offer advice?

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[89650]
Sep 19

This is a tough thing to deal with, so many people and factors involved. The only three ideals I can see that would work are 1.) you reunite with your husband, he accepts the child as his own, and the other man gives up all parental rights in favor of your husband so your three kids grow up as one family with two parents (and are you sure your husband isn't the father?); 2.) You give the baby up to his/her father and let him marry whom he wants to raise the child with ; 3.) You adopt the child out to a good, stable couple. The ideal would be number 1.) IMO. But that would entail your husband is a very kind, loving, forgiving person who could love a child that was conceived through your deception. that's a tall order indeed. I pray things will work out in the best interests of ALL your precious children.

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deliza's picture
[1215]
Sep 19

People make mistakes...I know that you know that you messed up and I can feel the remorse for your actions. You have played your card now though...it's up to your husband and what he wants to do. I honestly don't see how either of you will be able to make your marriage work after this, but that all depends on you and your husband. You are the one that decided to seek attention from another man. You are the one who got pregnant with another man's baby. You made all these decisions. I hope you can allow your husband to make his own choices and decisions when it comes to your marriage. If he decides to want to try to make it work then that's his choice. But you have to allow him to make that choice. As for your baby, you are very fortunate that the OM wants to be a part of the babies life and to help out. My narc husband wants nothing to do with my daughter and it is a struggle. There is nothing wrong with adoption either, but I just hope when you honestly ask yourself why you want adoption the answer doesn't have to do with your marriage. You have to look at what is best for you baby. Yes, right now things are messy but maybe later on when the dust settles you can think a little clearer. I hope for the sake of your child that you find peace in your decisions and the choices you have made. I hope you do seek counseling. I feel like you are struggling with something within. I am not saying that I support you in your decisions, but I do understand. I do believe people make mistakes, but what if the roles were reversed? What if you were in your husbands shoes? How would you have handled this situation? How would it make you feel?

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[80]
Sep 19

Wow what a tough situation for all. I’m going to stick to the child’s rights in all this. Giving that baby up for adoption could mean that family at one time or another will go through issues, perhaps even divorce, it’s not guaranteed you’re giving the baby up to a forever home so for the baby’s sake, let the dad be a single dad, it’s better for the BABY (not you) to at least be raised by 1 blood family member than a broken adopted home. Maybe you can’t do that but this isn’t about you. Let the baby and the dad be a single family (there are plenty of single mums and dads doing it) let the baby have that love from the dad and let them be, divorce your husband and spend some time working on yourself, get yourself right, seek help, become a better person and seek your own happiness. Let the past be and focus on the future and what you can do to become healthier and happier and leave those poor blokes alone to find happiness aswell. I wish you the best but please put that baby and the needs of the baby first, before your own. Give the dad his right as a parent as he can actually contest you adopting the baby out without his consent too.

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