This week's Brilliant New Topic: It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!
December 3rd, 2020

https://www.supportgroups.com/blog/its-beginning-to-look-a-lot-like-chri...

ARE YOU FOLLOWING US ON IG, PLEASE DO!!!
instagram.com/supportgroupsforeveryone

Hello everyone, thanks for being here and reading me few

Alijune's picture
[255]

Hello everyone, thanks for being here and reading me

few months ago, I found out my husband was cheating on me, really sad yes, I am soooo sad… we both had previous marriages with kids and after living together for 4 years we decided to marry 2 years ago. I felt we were deeply in love, perfect together, our relationship was pretty good, travelling, enjoying time together, we were both caring and loving, had good intimate sex, investing in the kids, the union of our 2 families as a step parents, he is a nice man and “always” treated me well, always says I am the one…

It is true that we had issues regarding his female friends, he has many female friends and exes in his contacts, says he feels better around women, bla bla, he uses messenger to keep in touch, some calls, and some pictures... This was always an issue for me and he felt I was being jealous and intolerant, I tried to be open minded but I always made it clear I don’t want exes around our relationship. He is very charming in his messages, I also found out.

A few months ago, I came across a photo of a woman in his phone, she was looking very seductive. I asked him who she was and why she sends pictures of herself to him---answer: she is an ex-lover, we are in touch every now and then and send pictures of each other to see how we are doing because apparently they don’t see each other anymore… (she lives same city) .

I asked him, why I couldn’t know….answer: because she is married and they need to keep it a secret from her husband!!! I was so in shock..but didn’t buy it at all..

I can’t afford to move out just yet, impossible. We talk a lot, and he never admits they have been more than friends and I tried. He only admits "the secret" of the friendship and takes it as an emotional infidelity....
.
We are in therapy, he is happy, he says he is discovering so much about his personal issues, his attachments, his behaviour …he promises he will never do it again.
Therapy for me is another story, therapist wants me to move my relationship with him, to love him, to trust him, because hey, he is got issues but he really loves you. You can make it.

…this is too much to handle for me, I loved him so much but the disappointment is huge and my mental health somedays is in a really bad state.

show more ⇓
Comment
 32
View 29 More Comments
Alijune's picture
[255]
Oct 26

@Leahzan I am committed after all, not him. Still lying and playing around. Beig thruhful is not his best skill.

Reply
[3200]
Oct 26

@Kas1966 I agree. Seems to me like she knows that he's not going to participate in the healing, so the easier option is to tell the stronger partner just to suck it up. Our therapist kind of tried this, but she eventually saw that it was just never going to "just go away" for me, so she's starting to take a more realistic approach (I think).

Reply
[230]
Oct 26

@alijune - it’s time to think about you. I started putting myself (not the relationship) first at about 7 months post day. it should be noted my spouse is 100% wanting to make it work - and has been totally transparent and never hesitates to answer even the most trivial of details regarding her affair. Which I believe is absolutely necessary to move forward. Even with that foundational piece - in the “making it work” scenario, the relationship has been severely damaged. It takes time to heal. So I realized trying to force the relationship to heal just left me angry and hurt. Instead I determined I needed to take care of myself, everyday, all day. It doesn’t take the pain away but it’s better - and I feel less hopeless about the relationship. My mantra is time and tenderness. When I’m hurting I ask myself “what is the wisest kindest thing I can do for myself right now?” This has also given me time to watch how invested my wife is - how she is healing - to build trust. May you find peace

show more ⇓
Reply

Login or Register

You are visiting Support Groups as an anonymous user.

Please consider joining our community and gain access to additional features by

registering or logging into your account