This week's Topic: Giving yourself permission to be imperfect!!!

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Haven't posted in quite some time. I am d-day plus 5 years a

Haven't posted in quite some time. I am d-day plus 5 years and a few days. My wife was involved in an emotional affair (at the very least) with her boss. She admits there was at least some inappropriate contact between them. They started off as friends, blah blah blah. Same story as many.

We decided to try and save our marriage. She still works there, partly for financial reasons, but also because she likes her job. From what I can see, she has cut all ties with him, save what is absolutely necessary for work. We have done counseling, although, it took a while before she would participate. At this point, 5 years later, the therapist pretty much says, that it was in the past, and we have talked it to death... (look...I don't enjoy talking about it either)...

We have a semi-comfortable marriage... But feels like something is missing. Today, I heard something on the radio that kind of just brought all the ugly feelings back.

I just don't know what I'm looking for. Or if maybe it's just time to pull the plug.

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Jul 7

She's gaslighting you. I cannot imagine five years like that.

Look, from where I sit, your therapist is WRONG. If you are still bringing it up, you're doing it for a reason. Also, I have some questions from the post you wrote. You mentioned it being "at the very least" emotional, and said, "some inappropriate contact". Did you not want details, or did she not volunteer details to you? After five years, I would hope she's come clean with everything that you wanted to know.

Time doesn't heal things. Intention, care, and compassion from your wife will. I understand absolutely letting go is a process, and being in the moment is important. Mindfulness is crucial as they said above. However, it just sounds like in this moment she is still not validating your feelings. By the sounds of it, there are details that have been left out. Trust and forgiveness do have to be earned. I think the question is - are you asking for what you need from her and if you are - is she willing to give it? It may not be all or nothing - she may sometimes give and sometimes not, she may overlook one thing only to see it a second later. However, there will be an overarching theme - is she gradually changing from within to learn from this and reassure you?

I think she should change jobs immediately. We live and we die - we only get one shot at this - so why live it so miserably? If she doesn't want to give up her job - that's a huge red flag. It shouldn't mean anything anymore compared to the loss of a family or your sanity. It's been five years, that's excruciating to be still in this place. It may be some of your responsibility yes, to be in a different place, but you can only do so much if your wife doesn't earn your trust or forgiveness by gaslighting your feelings and minimize what happened.

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Kyleah's picture
Jul 7

Can you see yourself living without your wife in your life? I think when I realized I could see a happy future without my husband, that was when I knew what my decision needed to be.

On the one hand, your therapist may be trying to tell you that you've decided to stay so you need to go all in on making the marriage work. But, the therapist doesn't seem to be acknowledging that maybe your wife hasn't also gone all in. The work situation sounds like it may be untenable for your marriage and that should be discussed openly and honestly. Basically, she has a whole half of her life that she can't share with you. That isn't the way to rebuild a marraige.

Jul 7

Maybe you should answer the question of what you are looking for before you decide if the marriage is still worth saving. I feel you are 50/50 and not sure which way to lean. I think once you know what you want then you will be able to move to where you would like to go.


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