guys I don’t know what’s happening but lately I’m so h

guys I don’t know what’s happening but lately I’m so hard towards my spouse. I’ve come from a place of crying and begging him for what I need from him for years now, to a point where I’m so preparing myself for the not happily ever after that most times I REALLY don’t care when he shouts and verbally abuses me. I still hate it cause I am such a super chill person and it is terrible coming from your husband, but no more heartache and tears etc. don’t know whether to laugh or cry about it. Feeling stronger, although I am getting to a point where for example I told him the other day when he started losing it that he better not start with his bs cause I really don’t feel like it and he can take it out somewhere else.have reminded him of some ugly things lately while arguing which I shouldn’t do, but I am just so over entertaining a lying spirit...if you know what I’m saying. He is SO double-minded, which makes him (and us ) unstable in all our ways. I’m tired of being emotionally unstable...which I am by the way...
I cry super easy, although I am better now. But I can’t be exposed to ANYTHING that creates an emotional reaction of ANY KIND and not cry. It’s like a little rollercoaster ride for maybe few min before I can settle back. I absolutely hate this, and so does everyone around me.no one knows what happened after all this time.only strangers. Anyway...

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@devastatedinptbo this is all true.

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(2155)
Nov 21

A double minded man is difficult to live with. I know it was hard for
>> me to trust my DH. We read scripture together about a double minded
>> man and the trouble it caused. We prayed. When I asked him if he
>> wanted me to pray with him he said “H-ll No.” So ok. When you are
>> ready I am willing. It eventually came but he was still struggling. We
>> worked more and more struggling to pray together, reading God’s word
>> and discussing it. We had already been going to church but he would
>> put on another face in front of other people until one dear brother
>> called him on a remark my DH made. Praise God for that dear friend. My
>> DH realized that he was not covering up. It broke the shell but it
>> took a while for God to completely break thru.
>> Try to nurture his good side. Put boundaries on his bad side. I
>> personally demand respect. I can’t make him love me but I can expect
>> respect and at least an acknowledgement of our commitment and vows.
>> Be thankful that there is at least a struggle. Pray, pray and pray
>> some more. Ask for forgiveness from God and DH when you fall. I fell
>> so many times but God picked me up, patted my head and set my feet on
>> the right path. My husband finally let the Light overcome the darkness
>> and his fears. It was hard but he learned to trust and obey God. With
>> God’s help I became a woman of faith. Faith that was grounded in God’s
>> truth. I would have never been the person I am today without this
>> experience. I feel like I could have done without it, but God knows
>> best.
>> We are over the hump and celebrating our 60th wedding anniversary. I
>> believe my husband is beginning to understand a little of what we have
>> been through. I don’t want him to live in guilt but live in praise for
>> what God has brought us through. My husband is learning about worship
>> and the more he is grateful and worships the stronger he gets in his
>> faith.
>> God bless you. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Go in
>> the plan of God and be thankful.

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@hsgramabrenda thank you for your words. I read and I understand. My background is that my spouse has had many encounters with the Lord, and he is a saved man that loves the Lord, but it doesn’t seem to be enough. He absolutely does not want to hear the truth about how the head trickles down to the body, as he will have to take responsibility. He does not want to talk about it. It is always me. It has been 3yrs since his 1.5yr affair with a young girl 25yrs his jnr from the opposite race. Many have issues with me having issues with this, but my problem here is that never ever did I know there was an interracial fetish. It is confusing and shocking all at once. Fast fwd 3yrs down the line and few days ago I found porn searches related to this.
It just feels like he can put the act on as he wishes.
My faith is solid and I could never draw one more breath if it wasn’t for grace, but i can’t trust his comebacks anymore. I was so thankful when he was saved.he has a real encounter so no denying God from there.it must literally be a choice to reject from there, but he keeps falling and I keep bleeding.
We don’t social much and he doesn’t have any friends so the chances of someone knowing anything or confronting him about it is zero. I have to rely on the Spirit for that and it feels that when it does happen, it only lasts so long, which brings me to say that the change in this department has not been real. Real change is when you are drunk atleast 3-4 times a week and God touches you and you are forever changed and haven’t had a problem since.and through all the rest of what goes down in life you still have never had he need to drink.taken away from you.transformed.
This is my husband. So I just don’t know anymore.
All I always remind myself of is that God has got me and He is enough.all I need. Which is true, but I can’t live my husbands life for him.
It seems God has given him over to his own lusts and desires and hardened his heart.like steel. He hears no sense. Infidelity is valid grounds for divorce. I never gave that much thought or wondered about it as I didn’t have to, but every day more and more I realize that the pain, hurt, rejection etc that is causes is in such a deep level that God obviously foreknew. If God allows out of the covenant because of this, how deep does it really go? Abhoring.
He has hurt me and cut me so deep I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I have been before God about this for a very long time now. I pray for God to give my spouse the desires of his heart. Always a good one as God really bring it forth.
But then it’s porn or something. It feels like I have been married to some type of con artist for 18yrs.
I have no roots.its like I’m hanging in mid air and need to be replanted but he just does not do that for me.
I’m tired, sad and over it.
I don’t even have the finances to leave! What a joke. Trusting God to make ways in the desert.

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