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Every time I get to a point where I am starting to feel my h

Dryad's picture
[6565]

Every time I get to a point where I am starting to feel my husband’s love for me and begin to feel I may be ready to put this all in the past and move forward, all of the pain comes back again. I imagine it is because I get scared. I felt so loved by him before the affair. I have had a trauma-filled life and have not experienced much in the way of love. It meant so much to me that for once I found someone who loved me the same way I loved him. Usually I was the one who loved more. It turned out I did in this relationship too. I was deeply in love with him still, and he was telling another woman how wonderful she was and how much he loved her. I know it wasn’t real love. He ended it and has no interest in her at all (as far as he says and his actions seem to show). I do believe he loves me, but it seems like every time I get to a point where I trust that and feel good about it, I start thinking again about the details of what he did - the texts I saw, the videos, the pictures. I start to feel like I’m not attractive enough, or just that I’m not special the way I thought I was. I thought I was everything he ever wanted. We have a wedding photo where he is looking at me like I hung the moon and he can’t believe how lucky he is to have me, but he ended up cheating on me within the first 5 years of our marriage. I guess I just still don’t feel safe. It’s also hard bc while he shows his love to me now, it’s not that happy kind of love it used to be. Instead it is a sad, shamed love. Our special songs make him sad bc of what he did. He doesn’t feel worthy of the loving things I do for him. It all feels so sad. Does anyone else struggle with this? It’s like I see light at the end of the tunnel, and then everything caves in again. I am in therapy, FYI, so I do talk about this kind of thing in that setting, but I’d like to know if anyone else has had this experience.

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[2070]
Nov 9

I was just thinking about that yesterday, we were having lunch at our favorite little restaurant just like we always have and I thought how nice it was that we were there again. We both have not ate there since I kicked him out. My husband told me he would never go there without me because that was our place. But I flashed back to the emails I read between them and I got angry. If he loved his wife and the things we did together why did he tell another women that he loved her and needed her in his life?

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Dryad's picture
[6565]
Nov 9

@PieceByPeace Thank you! And we have been in both individual and marital therapy.

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[1090]
Nov 10

@Dryad you are very welcome :)

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