Does it get easier? I am a late 30-something with a 38-yea

Does it get easier?
I am a late 30-something with a 38-year-old fiance. Roughly 6 months ago, I found out he was cheating on me with a very attractive 23-year-old coworker. She put him on a pedestal and made him feel like a hero during a time when I was emotionally absent and distracted by my own work and personal issues. We are attempting to work things out; I truly believe that we both love each other -- but I'm struggling every day.

Lately, I have been obsessing over the fact that he thought, at least at one point, that he was in love with her and said those words to her fairly often. Now he acknowledges that he was likely not in love but that she is a "good person" and that it was more lust and infatuation. But even if this is the case, I can't understand how he could have been so naive. Attracted to her, sure. But love? She is 15 years his junior; he supervised her at work; she pursued him knowing that he was engaged; she spent the vast majority of their "relationship" asking him to do things for her and to take care of her (as she purportedly had a "very hard life"); and she eventually demanded that he cut me and the rest of our family out entirely in order to be with her. How in the world is this a "good person"?

This situation is made all the more difficult because he still works with her.
I love him. I feel like I know him .. or at least did, at one point. But I don't understand how or why he didn't see the red flags. He still doesn't seem to see all of them.

I know that I should be focused on OUR relationship and trying not to think so much about the affair ...but it haunts me every day. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Leahzan's picture
Jun 22

I would focus less on whether his affair partner was a good person and had red flags and more on your fiance. It honestly doesn't matter what type of person she was, he chose to stray and he chose to stray because he was looking for something that he felt was missing inside himself. The reality is he's the one with the red flags. I was very angry at the affair partners, but the more and more I thought about it, I just felt sorry for them. They knowingly got involved with a man what was could never be fully available. For some it was intentional because they didn't want the responsibility of a relationship, just the support and sex. But, the reality is they knowingly chose to be bad people. And, to me I feel sorry for anyone that would mess with their own minds that much. The people who cheat are lost, and those that knowingly become the other woman/man are also lost. And, its sad. But, what they do afterwards can make all the difference. Do they face their demons, insecurities, etc. and try and become a better person, or do they make excuses?

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Jun 23

I have to more or less agree with @Leahzan on this. Both of them were lost or broken in some way, living in a fantasy world that would never align with reality. But any focus on the affair partner is just wasted effort really. If they engaged in an inappropriate relationship with a person they knew was married, they were not "good people" at that time. But I think our wayward spouses want to somehow justify in their minds that they were not foolish, not doing something hurtful to us, not reducing their moral standards, etc so as such they want to defend their decision. They don't WANT to see the red flags, they want to feel justified.

If your fiance really feels remorse and wants to work through this with you, it will take some soul searching and acceptance of his mistakes. And it will take hard work for both of you regardless if you want to heal from it.


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