This week's Brilliant New Topic: It is Thanksgiving next week y'all, where has the year gone???
November 19th, 2020

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Depressed, hurt and lost Been married for 11 years have 2 b

Depressed, hurt and lost
Been married for 11 years have 2 beautiful children (4 and 11). I found out last week about my wife cheating on me and betrayed everything we had. I have never ever doubted her because we had a connection which I thought was strong than just love. I learnt that she was frustrated with life and things which became routine in life on her side and at times things between us would result in her becoming angry with me, nothing argumentative just things like I would ask her why she wasn't pulling her weight around the house with general cleaning etc.
She often she said to herself she wanted to talk to me but then never got the opportunity to do so as she knew I was not the easiest person to talk to. I would often turn away from talking to her or run from anything that would require comforting her in conversation.
In the mist of this she was talking to my cousin who lives in another country and he became her ear, and she became comfortable telling him her frustrations in life and just general chat. In one text he started talking about his own relationship and commented on how his girlfriend wouldn't be able to handle him which intrigued my wife. So he exposed himself to her on telegram chat app which then lead to video sex. The first time this happened I was downstairs watching TV. Once again when he sent a message to see how she were doing, after the initial chat she would ask if he wanted to play and again engaged in video sex whilst I was out of the house. The time when it hurt the most was when I suffered a mild stroke at home and was taken into the Emergency Stroke Department where I stayed 7 days. The day after I was admitted she engaged in further play by video sex after she told him about what happened to me.
The next day she even came to visit me in hospital where I cried out to her oblivious to what was going on and she reassured me that she wanted me to get better etc etc.
Fast forward 3 months later I asked for her phone as I was setting up her laptop and connect the device to move all her pictures so she could create space on her phone. After a few hours later I thought I would organise them for her as she was busy sorting the kids etc. When I started organising them, I started to notice pictures of a male exposing him self and at first though these must have been forwarded by group chats on WhatsApp as you do and didn’t think much of it. Then When I started to see pictures of her with toys etc my heart instantly crushed. I didn’t want to even think the unimaginable, so I checked the source of the male exposed pics and her and both files had the same file type coding and format. This is when I realised what she has been up to and from here my world crashed. It affected me that much I ended up back in the Emergency ward. I have since developed blurred vison and a speech impairment.
Since the discovery she assured me that she has now realised the severity of her actions and her explanation is that at the time it wasn’t her, that someone else was controlling her mind and body. She has told me that she regrets this and if she could turn back time that she would and never let this happen.
The way it stands is that I’m so deeply connected to her I can’t hate her and wish the worst for her because I couldn’t bare to see anyone hurt her or speak ill of her. It’s taken ago time for her to gain the respect of my family and this would not only tarnish her but I would make my pain deeper.
I have agreed to give her another chance albeit this has truly torn me apart that even if I build the pieces back together even the pieces wouldn’t want to be whole due to the feeling of disgust.
So now here I am vulnerable with her, still in love with her, needing her…… but the problem is that it’s just her and it’s not the women I lost…….. I feel that we are going to over come this but my soul is not there and it gone searching for the one I lost …… my beautiful wife.
We now live apart and I’m in recovery. I would like help in how to help me in this and try to understand the reason this happened to get closure in this. If anyone can shed any light more than happy to listen.

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beth65's picture
[36665]
Nov 18

@devastatedinptbo how astute "never mature beyond adolescence ". That puts into words what I have thought at times about people.

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beth65's picture
[36665]
Nov 18

@qwerty666 Very sorry you're going through this. I think right now you are emotional but eventually you will feel anger at times. You've gotten such good advice from the others here. I hope you're trying to take care of your health and doing what you need to get through the day. My doctor gave me anti anxiety medication at one point. I took only a few times when things were too overwhelming. I also went to a hypnotherapist. I like what Jamiemaddrox2020 said, you dont have to make a decison right now. And I've seen others say you can change your mind down the road if you need to. You said it took a while for your family to accept her but that also it is your cousin that she is having the affair with? Why did your family not accept her before? Are you able to cut ties with this cousin?

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[2060]
Nov 20

Hi @qwerty666 how are you doing? I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the pain of betrayal and my heart goes out to you. The question you asked at the end of your post, why did this happen? Is a question a lot of betrayed spouses ask and the answer is always different for everyone but two things I have learnt from my experience is that no matter the answer to that question, you are deserving of love that can be trusted and no one is beyond redemption.
I want to encourage you to consider individual counselling and marriage counselling for both you and your wife to help you process what has happened and how best to move on.
My hope for you is that your wife is truly remorse and does regret what she has done, because that is always a starting point in her doing all she can to restore the broken trust.
In the meantime, it's important you focus on your well being and healing and not rush to make any major decisions especially because of the painful emotions you are currently going through.

I've gone through the pain of betrayal myself and grateful to God that I was healed emotionally and my marriage restored. Hence I'm always rooting for marriages to be healed and reconciled but I know this takes time and a lifetime faithful commitment from both spouses.
My prayer for you is that the near future will bring healing for you and your heart's desire.
Wish you all the very best.

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