By now I am almost 100% certain that I have TERRIBLE trust i

By now I am almost 100% certain that I have TERRIBLE trust issues. My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for almost 2 years. I am in my late 20s and he's in his early 30s. We had a terrible start to our relationship, cheating on each other for years before realizing how much we were hurting, we fixed things, and promised complete honesty. Even though that's passed, about once a month I get strong "intuitions" that he's talking to someone on Instagram, facebook or a secret email, I will go through his phone about once a month and I never find anything, I always feel like he tries to find clever situations to talk to girls, either at work or when he walks away in the store to go look at another aisle, some days I am so controlled by these feelings that I cry for hours and feel trapped and alone. I feel like he's talking to some of my close girlfriends, and I take any of their interactions as clues to things they possibly feel for each other. It's ridiculous... I will get suspicious ideas then start to distance myself from him, I will go through his computer and phone and have an anxiery attack when I dont find anything, which is always, I have his passwords so I get full access but my brain always thinks that he deletes his messages and has private accounts I don't know about. Be aware that I ALWAYS tell him why I've had my anxiety attacks and I tell him EVERYTHING, that I go through his accounts, that I fear that he's doing something behind my back, but since I never find anything I tell him that I need to work on myself, he agreed and is extremely compassionate, hugs me, and waits until I am done telling him all of my insecurities, I get full-support but its never enough! Today drew the line when I started to believe that he is secretly talking to a close friend of mine, it happened when my husband and I were kissing and ready to have sex and he said no because my pubic hairs hurt his penis and told me to try and shave, that broke me, I know it isnt right for him to say that, but after that I stopped kissing him and just stayed quiet, he said sorry but it just wasnt enough, it broke me, it broke me to think he was seing someone that is shaved down there, he never rejects sex and sets down shaving rules like that :( automatically made me think he was cheating on me with a close frien..but I really cant believe that I can't trust these two people that are so close to my heart and are truly best friends to me. I know there is something wrong with me, but I cannot help but feel an itch, it brings me down, I get depressed and extremely mad at the world! I feel like my husband is getting tired of it, so I've decided to reach out and write about my feelings and insecurities, I cry at the thought of him betraying me and I just know that if it were all true I would run away from it all and never ever come back, and I over dramatize every thought and everything that I've gone through with him. What is wrong with me? How can I stop this empty feeling inside of me? It gives me extreme anxiety and depression, and sometimes I get panic attacks and I feel like I will get a heart attack and that scares me so much. I am a social butterfly, and I looove being around people, but when Im alone I get all of these terrible negeative thoughts, never suicidal, but it numbs me and I cant get anything done, I am like a rag doll when I'm depressed, I dont eat, sleep, drink water, its like I am asking to die without wanting to do it. Luckily my husband gets home and brings me food and watches after me, he's so strong and I owe my physical and mental health to him, if it wasnt for his patience I would have left him due to my insecurities and doubts. I am too poor to see a therapist, even group therapy is too expensive for me. I smoke to get away (weed) and when I'm not high and my insecurities are flaring up I HATE smoking, I feel like it triggers negativity in me when I'm not high. I am so tired of this brain.. It hates my favorite things when It's insecure, and makes me hate myself for that reason. My self-image has also been terrible and my sex drive isnt really there.. I have a few undiagnosed auto immune disorders and I kind of blame it on them.. and I cant afford to see a specialist to be diagnosed..so I fight with body pain and mental break downs often. Someone out there please give me your perspective into what I should do. I don't want my husband to leave me because I am insecure and its already been 2 years since we've been married and I can't fix these feelings I get :( :( thank you for reading this and I hope that you also share your similar experiences with me and that I can help you too. thank you

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[13475]
Dec 7

I am so sorry. Your post brings tears to my eyes and breaks my heart even more. I am
Miss suspicious. Everything my h does is suspicious. When he’s emailing work, looking at cars, going into the garage, in the washroom. I’m insane all the time. So don’t feel crazy. I be reached a year since my h cheating. He has a relationship with a fat cow who wanted him so badly and couldn’t deal with it when I found out, she tried everything in her will power to keep my h. But he ran the other way. Only you know you h. If he’s trying. He could be honest. Sometimes you have to swallow that pill or else you will end up in a very dark place with no light. And trust me it’s not
A safe place. My depression and anxiety, lead me to antidepressants and a horrible place. I’m still stuck there and love this nightmare each day. I feel terrible for staying but don’t leave for some reason. I guess I’m not ready to leave. My kids are young. So I stay and suffer most of the time. You have to look at your life and ask if you can live this way forever? And figure other ways to find calmness and happiness. I wish you all the best. Good luck.

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[4475]
Dec 7

I know your pain and experience similar things about trusting my guy. The difference with your situation that might bring you solace is that your guy wants to reassure you. Mine gaslights me. He's giving you passwords, he's understanding about your insecurities. Mine gets angry with me. The shaving thing doesn't mean he's cheating. I've had similar requests from men over the years, that weren't cheating. I think men like to play and have fun and it's just a game for them. As far as your friends - that can be tricky. Why don't you trust your friends with your boyfriend? So it is slightly possible you do have trust issues maybe stemming from other stuff in your past. On the other hand, if your guy has ever lied to you, that could make you distrust him too. Either way counseling could help you sort it out and know if the problem is only you and then if your guy knows you're addressing the problem he may be more patient. It's a way he can really step up and show how sincere his love is.

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[4475]
Dec 7

I'm reading over the details in your post again. I used to smoke pot as a teenager. It impacted me negatively whereas my friends had fun, I would go off on negative tangent thought patterns and become depressed. So while you may be thinking it makes you feel better, there is the slight chance it is contributing to the thought loops you have about your husband. As for a therapist or counselor; do you have health insurance? Some of them cover that kind of help. My husband and I have also gotten free counseling through the church, so if you have a religious community, or synagogue you may be able to see a rabbi, minister, or counselor for free. Most of those people have psychology degrees now-a-days, too. There may be a counseling center at your local college for the psychology interns.

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