PLS GIVE ADVISE FOR PPL WORKING THRU INFIDELITY WITH PARTNER i just literally found that my bf of almost 8 years was cheating on me yesterday we met in high school but we didn't live in the same city he lived in a small town an hour away i just moved out to be with him for the past 2 years we had our moments but we worked thru them none of those times were about cheating mainly just us getting used to living with each other but idk a few days ago i was getting a bad feeling i pray to my passed loved ones and a few of my bf passed loved ones too and i asked for signs to calm my anxiety well i began to dream about my bf talking to other girls yesterday i went thru his phone and i found conversations on a texting app with another girl i showed his mom she told me to confront him and i did he admitted that yes he was talking to the girl but he never met up with her she doesnt even live in town he never slept with her i only know this is true because he wasn't talking to her for long i could see that in the messages but also im with him almost 24/7 his job is long and hard but he always comes home in time we talked things out bcuz i still love him but i lost a lot of trust this is the first time ever in our relationship something like this has ever happened i don't think he'll do it again mainly since he was up front with me deleted all apps that could be used to talk to this girl or anybody in front of me and we agreed to work it out i just wanted to tell someone else besides his mother i want to know yalls opinion i want advice from people who are trying to work things out or who have and are doing better now and just wanna give helpful advice now

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Feb 21

@Rdan no i understand that relationships arent perfect and are some times tested no one should ever believe just because some one is in a long marriage doesnt mean it was perfect the whole time its not realistic so thank you for putting ur input

Rdan's picture
Feb 24

We often unintentionally fall into behavior patterns which sabotage our marriage in the midst of life’s demands and pressures. We miss out on life’s best - from misunderstandings and lack of information. “My people perish for lack of knowledge.”
In marriage the Golden Rule does not apply – because the priority of a husband’s and wife’s needs are different. Let me explain. There are generally six needs a man has and five needs a woman has. The man’s #1 need is respect. The woman’s #1 need is emotional intimacy and communication. Man’s #2 need is unconditional love and acceptance, followed - by #3 sexual intimacy, #4 companionship, #5 encouragement and affirmation and #6 spiritual intimacy. A woman’s # 2 need is unconditional love and acceptance, #3 spiritual intimacy, #4 encouragement and affirmation and #5 companionship.
As a male I may not think it is very important to talk with her about my innermost feelings, motivations and concerns as long as I have consistently shown respect for my wife. She does need my respect but that is MY #1 need not hers and I am not even aware she is dealing with my emotional roller coaster, she is often not aware of what my concerns and motivations are till it becomes a crisis. Let this continue for a substantial amount of time and she will begin to lose respect for you and emotionally close down; sexual intimacy becomes strained and the relationship begins to fall apart at many levels. Recognizing our own and each other’s love needs helps up recognize when our tanks are running on fumes and there is a crisis looming on the horizon. If we ignore the clues, we may reach a point where one of us is ready to snap.
Armed with love for each other and the necessary information tools we can work to make our marriage the best that it can be. In meeting our spouse’s love needs you are putting “God’s skin” on. Marriage is really a relationship of three: God, a man and a woman. When a husband and wife begin to understand the significance of a marriage of three. Relationships begin to flourish.
It’s easy to love in the good times, but when our marriage comes under testing of an intense nature, we need unconditional love. Love that won’t quit. Times of crisis. Times of unbearable stress. Times when, in your heart of hearts, you wonder if your wife or husband will draw close to you and love you without question or whether he or she will turn their back and reject you.
When I need unconditional love I need help. I need even more than that – I need a safe place, a place where my heart, soul and spirit will be loved unconditionally. No strings. No exceptions. No limits. I need to hear “I’m here for you, I’m not leaving you no matter what.”
When I say “Something has happened …” I just need to know that no matter what I have to tell you, you will support me. That we are going to be OK. That you and the Lord will stick by me.
I need to know at the beginning of this conversation my safety net is in place – whether or not I deserve it. That she is mine and I am hers, and that we both belong to God. That regardless of what I was about to tell her, that would not change.
It is at this moment - how you react will make all the difference; it can be (Carina) a “God with skin on moment”. A time to reassure each other we are secure, safe and one with each other and with God. We are still faced with the circumstances. Yet because of this response - everything is different. I know that I’m not alone and that between my wife and the Lord I am secure.
The relationship with God and one another should be centered on His Word, this is how we are enabled to relate to each other in spirit and in truth. He said the truth shall set us free… we are bound to our past – bound to our fear, living in secret afraid to make ourselves vulnerable. This was never the Lord’s intention.
The Lord modeled His unconditional love by the way He chose his Disciples. The fact that He chose Judas Iscariot speaks volumes. The all-knowing God treated the betrayer in such a way that the other Disciples had no clue who He was referring to when He said “he who dips his hand in the dish with me, the same shall betray me.”
Jesus was modeling the kind of love he spoke about in Matt 5:44 “But I say unto you love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you and pray for them that despitefully misuse you and persecute you.
The goal is … Be ye therefore perfect the way your father in Heaven is perfect. True love does not a[ways take place on a romantic balcony sometimes it takes place on a battlefield; unconditional love in tough times.
There have been occasions when I have blown it so bad there is not a sliver of hope. My wife has responded by reminding me we are in this for better or worse till death do us part. In one profound moment of vulnerability I had a safe place. A place where my heart, spirit and soul would be loved unconditionally. No strings, no exceptions, no limits.
My wife has met my #1 need. I know she is mine and I am hers and we both belong to God. I search her eyes for her real “response.” And what I find is not panic, fear or even disappointment. Her eyes say the same thing her voice says “I’m sorry it happened. It’s going to be alright. We are going to be ok.”
The circumstances haven’t changed. But because of my wife’s response everything is different. The impact of her response is a staggering “God with skin on moment.” Her words, her touch and look all affirm my worth as a man and help me regain my worth as a man, confident that I am her husband deserving of her respect.
This is unconditional love at its finest and it doesn’t get any better than that for a man. When the wife God has given a man reminds him that she will always be there for him, that’s when he knows the power, the real power, of unconditional love and acceptance.
Her rejection would have built a wall that would have weakened our intimacy and trust. When this happens often enough it can destroy the security of the relationship. If she had been neutral and unresponsive I would have felt lonely and isolated.
This love is a reflection of god’s merciful love – He loves me without limit. He loved me before I trusted Him. Before I knew Him. Before I existed. He loves even though I failed Him miserably, even though I come up short emotionally, spiritually, and relationally. He loves me even though I don’t deserve it, which is much of the time. He loves me even though it would be easier not to love me when I disappoint Him in my thoughts, words, actions and deeds. He loves me even though my heart is full of pride and envy and my thoughts are self centered.
Bottom line? He loves me no matter what. He accepts me no matter what. And that’s how I know what unconditional love is – because I’ve been to the Source.
Action Item #1 Show Grace with each other’s weaknesses – we need it most when we are aware we truly don’t deserve it. When you express grace to the other when they have failed you, disappointed you or sinned against you – you love them as Jesus loves them.
Action Item #2 Affirm the other whenever you can – the effect it has is it draws us in, it attracts us like a magnet. Mark Twain once said “I can live a whole month on one compliment”.
Action Item #3 Help the other feel safe a) she feels safe when you listen and understand her feelings
b) he feels understood and safe when you listen to his ideas
When the other listens we feel valued and when we know the other understands we feel safe and that brings security.
Understand his “wiring and his tendency to fix things.
Assure the other you are committed and will work through any pattern undermining your marriage. If our opinion is not enthusiastically received – in frustration or rejection we clam up and go away.
Every day we subtle choices that either strengthen your marriage or feed their insecurities.

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Rdan's picture
Feb 24

@Berrimilko From Tender Warrior by Stu Weber

A while back I was reading a book subtitled “God’s Intention For a Man”.
A woman saw it in my hand, she could not see the subtitle and may not have read the title.

But what she could see, she inadvertently sneered at. Typed across the top of the book: “Every man’s purpose, every woman’s dream, every child’s hope”.

I did not respond. I did not know how to respond. It felt personal; like a hard slap in the face. But I could not ignore the reality that this is how she really felt after a short lifetime of personal experience; and I knew she was not alone. How many men miss the mark by a galaxy or two? How long will it take us to get it right?

I had a choice about not writing on this subject since the recipient’s are a mixed company. But every lady has a father, brother, son, nephew or “man” in their life so all of us are in this together. What did God have in mind when He created man?

There are four undergirding life rhythms throbbing in the veins of every male child and they pipe a four part cadence to which each must march if he chooses to be a complete man. Mingled together, never exclusive, they are the primary colors of the masculine rainbow.

To the degree they are balanced, the image is clear and the man and those around him flourish. To the degree they are abused and debased, the image is distorted, the man withers, and those around him experience pain.

The Four Pillars of Man: King, Warrior, Mentor, Friend.

The heart of the King is a provisionary heart. The King is destined to rule, have dominion “with all power and authority”. To watch the horizon, plan ahead, provide order, justice and mercy. He is authority. He is leader. He is under orders from “Higher Authority”.

The heart of the Warrior is a protective heart not a brute. The warrior shields, defends, stands between and guards. He invests himself in “the energy of self disciplined, aggressive action”. Men stand tallest when they are protecting and defending. A warrior is one who possesses high moral standards, and holds to high principles. He is willing to live by them, stand for them, spend himself in them, and if necessary to die for them; to battle mighty enemies and shatter satanic strongholds. Even a tender heart can be effectively hidden under layers of protective insulation.

The heart of the Mentor is a teaching heart. He knows. He wants others to know. He models, explains, trains and disciples his wife and kids, then others. He has a spiritual heart. He exercises “the energy of initiation and transformation.” He is supposed to know how things work. What to do next. And where to go, from wherever you are. Men are supposed to be able to teach life.

The heart of a Friend is a loving heart. This function is the one most endearing. It is a caregiving heart. Passionate, yes. But more. Compassionate. The friend is a commitment maker and a promise keeper. He is “the energy that connects men to others and to the world.

These four pillars bear the weight of genuine masculinity and when they come together in a man you will know it. You will feel it. Like four strands of steel woven together they form a cable that is the spine of masculinity and they will hold you. A good man is the balance of the four. A good warrior is also a sensitive lover. A Tender Warrior. A good friend is always a helpful mentor. The four are inseparable in a good man. In balance they are every man’s purpose, every woman’s dream, and every child’s hope. Abused they are the curse of every man, woman and child.

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