How did you learn to accept your WS for who they are not who

chas188's picture
(7335)

How did you learn to accept your WS for who they are not who you thought. My wife dribbled truth for two years and I still feel I never got the full truth. In marriage session they ask what will help me. I said to hear the truth the good the bad not details but to hear the truth. She says brings too much pain we know what happened. Reason I ask is because I feel like she is a liar. I really don't think affair is still going on do wonder if they speak but feel like need ground rules if I continue to try to repair. I think of affair everyday again and I think because I was given so many stories so many versions over so much time. Do I just accept this is who she is really not able to go there or just refusing to to preserve herself. I smile on outside yet I feel so alone confused afraid on the inside. She is trying but I feel often there is defensiveness and I feel if you love someone you do whatever it takes. I went on her journey this is mine. Im not STUCK in past as she'd say I tell her the past has impact on present and future. Not sure she's able to give me what I need do I then say she's given enough taken ownership but talking to deep to painful. Ill never really know what led to it. Truth is trust is our issue maybe she's afriad to say all and what she has said varies so much not sure I believe her just wish she did not keep so many secrets not just me this affair but so much and now that I knew how to deal. 2 years later still confused

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Piobaire's picture
(1660)
Sep 25

@chas188,
The vast majority of my suffering comes from my demands that the universe be not just as it is, but how I think it should be.
"True love" (to the extent that there is such a thing) is an act of radical acceptance; not just accepting, but actively welcoming another in their entirety, just as they are in this present moment; "warts and all". Regardless of my preferences to the contrary, my mate is exactly who she is; like myself, like all of us, she's a composite of the good, the bad, and the ugly; a total package. This isn't a buffet where I get to pick and choose the bits I like.
I can either choose to accept and embrace her, just as she is now, all that she has been, and all that she might become, or not. But it's nether fair, realistic, or constructive for me to try to insist that she conform to my notions of how I think she should be.

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Kas1966's picture
(173050)
Sep 25

@Piobaire when we chose to marry them haven't we accepted the good, bad and ugly. What we didn't accept was their betrayal of vows, their choices to cheat, lie, and live a double life. I know I'm not perfect I know my husband isn't perfect and I accepted his flaws just as he accepted mine I just didn't sign up for the other.

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chas188's picture
(7335)
Sep 25

@Kas1966 absolutely

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