Having slight set back feeling guilty for it. In a nut shell

chas188's picture

Having slight set back feeling guilty for it. In a nut shell just had my family home stolen in a sense by crooked lawyers and brokers after a fire killed a family member. My anger went simultaneous from them to my wife's ex AP. both took something from me. I know my deal is with my wife but having a really really hard time with not confronting her AP. Yes its HER not him I married and I get the energy and if she and I were more connected maybe im not even thinking about it. But he knew me knew us and they continued. Don't get me wrong its her but darn if all a sudden I'm almost obsessed with this guy. Like to say I know. Not expecting it to do anything accept satisfy me but I know not the right thing. This is hard I feel tortured at times in my brain the house stuff took me over. Thanks for letting me vent

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Feb 20

What you're experiencing is very natural. One day, you'll get to a point where you realize, wounded broken people hurt others. Cannot control or worry about them. They did take something away from you, and all of these feelings you have are overwhelming and extremely human. No need for guilt my friend. Also, as everyone said, this is how our minds work - we associate feelings with events, and if those feelings are triggered, the trauma also resurfaces. So you're just being human!

You can reach out if you'd like, just know poking a broken person may not get you a reasonable response back. In fact, based off his previous behavior, I'd bet the AP will most likely decide to do what he believes is in his own self interest. Its nice getting things off your chest too! So it really is up to you and what you need for healing.

Very sorry for your loss and this event happening. No matter what you decide, time will pass. For me, it's gotten much better. Just keep doing the work on yourself and give yourself some grace too. No guilt! :) Always remember at the end of the day, this too shall pass. Nobody is looking to take anything away from you, these crooked people actually didn't think twice about you when they did the things they did. In that respect, I'd bet in all your anger, you are actually thinking of them, way more than they think of you. Isn't that something? I always thought it was. I would spend so much time looking her up on my computer, figuring out who her husband was, trying to find a way to get her back, or purely just wanting to see her in misery like I was. So much time wasted retrospectively, but I was angry, and that's ok :)

I go running everyday, I get a lot of stuff out that way. I appreciate the water running again, and the electricity kicking back on, and my kids getting to see snow at our house for once. I have so much to be grateful for, so much beauty around me. Tomorrow is never promised, so do what you need to heal, you deserve to grieve, be angry, and all that, but you also deserve to live in peace.

LASTLY (not spam I promise)
My H signed up for an AffairRecovery group from that youtube couple Sam and Samantha and if have any questions feel free to PM me. I think it would really help your wife and yourself, but only if she is ready. The reason I bring this up, is because I think this may help you work through some of these feelings of anger - at least when my H took ownership, was consistent with me, and did the work, it really sped our healing process along. They have daily post assignments, homework, and weekly meetings - your wife would be in a group of other women who have betrayed their spouses. I wish my H would've done it sooner because I wouldn't have been so traumatized and I think it helps him appreciate the magnitude of his actions.

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Scat's picture
Feb 20

@Stacey0906, I agree, there is no point confronting the AP. And why would I bother confronting my husband's AP when she means nothing to me and can't remotely be a reasonable person? She's the perfect future partner for him, imo, lol. She can have his cheating arse.

chas188's picture
Feb 21

@Stacey0906 thanks for the validation.it is so painful at days and you are exactly right about the energy given. Its much much better but I think that im giving more energy to them. I will pm curious about the group. We are in counseling now and she is still working on her own acceptance and guilt so not sure how she'd receive group even if something helpful for both but maybe you have ideas how to present it. Its definitely a process. We were intimate last night and I had a dream after we were intimate she called AP an asked him to finish the job that she missed him. It was a dream I shook it off woke up helped with breakfast children played as if nothing happened. I sometimes share dreams in non judgemental nor blaming way but to let her know how my subconscious is still healing my spirit painful like that it has and will get better


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