Good days and bad days. That's what living through this is

Good days and bad days. That's what living through this is about. Some days, you just have a good sense of yourself and a sense of strength where you feel you can handle all of this and you are going to be OK, no matter what happens. You feel pride, knowing you are doing the right thing and you are able to shoulder the burden of what has happened and that you will wind up being a stronger, better person when you get to the other side of it. Then there are the days where you see the futility of everything. Where you feel that you are wasting your time and that the only thing that you can do to save yourself is to plan out your exit from the relationship. You start to think through the scenarios, what you will have to do, how you will tell your kids, where you will live, etc. You acknowledge that there is a limit to what you can carry and how long you can fight against a reality that has been forced upon you. Regardless of which day it is, you wonder what is the triggers for the bad days and how you are able to find the strength on those good days. You try to crack the code and influence or manipulate things to bring about more of the good and drive out the bad. Then you realize..... you have no control over that. Even a simple, innocent thing can trigger the train of thoughts that takes a day and turns it dark. Today was not one of the good days.

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[2430]
Aug 12

@Jcr42 Can you elaborate on "she is still too focused on her own healing to try."? I'm gathering obviously she is self centered and tends to take the "I can't deal with rehashing what I did...I am remorseful, how many times do I have to "say" I am sorry--any of the typical lines the cheater gives to deflect and snuff out having to face your pain....What is "she" healing from?? The loss of her wonderful lover that you found out about and ruined all her fun? Her, the cheater's healing you speak of is kind of puzzling me . She too is torn between divorcing or sticking with the marriage because she had such a great time with affair partner? It leads me to that when you said "her focus on her own healing is like the affair is still happening. Do you feel she is being totally candid and honest with you at this point? I guess, if I were you, you are wondering, well she's in love with this man and yet she's is married to me thus conflicted....and she does not want to further hurt my feelings so she is all in her own turmoil? How long did she have this affair and was it only with this one person?

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[520]
Aug 13

@1day There are so many different opinions reguarding how to handle affairs. After being married for 7 years to someone who told me that there had never been anyone else but me I found out she was having an affair with her boss. We split but got back together. My thinking was anyone can make a mistake and if the shoe were on the other foot I would want forgiveness. Later through a strange set of events and after 20 years of marriage I discovered she had an affair early in our relationship. We were going to church and after confronting her she admitted to the affair and said it happened before our marriage and continued afterwards for a short time. After talking with our minister we realized that we were changed people and though I struggled with memories we didn't divorce. A few years later she ran off with the minister. Through 23 years of our relationship I never cheated on her until she ran off with him. We divorced and my feelings are twofold, We all need forgivness for something but it seems most times once a cheater always a cheater.

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[2215]
Aug 13

@CrushedConfused so, she went into a state of depression after about6-7 weeks of ending the emotional affair. She doesn't share much, but I know it is because of the pain she inflicted on my family and on his, the loss of her "love", the lack of purpose (will explain), and that she does not see a "connection" with me. That's what I know. The loss of purpose is from her being a stay at home mom, which was rewarding. Both kids were in school last year and she did not go back to work. Instead, she got really bored with her days and with the idea that no one needed her anymore. Anyway, when directly confronted by me or our counselor about trying to fix us, her answer is that she is broken right now and has nothing to give anyone. She has to "dig herself out of this hole before she can be anything to anyone." She has cut off communication with the guy and I can confirm that to the best of my ability, but she is seen him at the gym a few times. They do not talk and do not get near each other, but still is very painful to know she is access.

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