Discouraging frustrating marriage session. Wife asked what I

chas188's picture
(6415)

Discouraging frustrating marriage session. Wife asked what I need i said time to heal individual self care and couples care.. she has agreed for months but wants to control how i self care.. i say every other month need to just detach to regroup want to do over night local hotel or sisters home.. i been here wver since she got caught stayed continued to take care responsibilities. I did not do trial separation but now ask for some space im told take off work or find better coping skills then overnight she talked about what she did and how it did not work.. im like i am not you so im suppose to not do self care that works for me because she is projecting her stuff this has been a year. Its making feel like she is saying the words but not doing. I gave her a spa treatment said go babe ill stay with children we all have different needs about balance but think this first time I stand up for myself for my needs. I was even agreeing to not do every month but dont dictate. Marriage counselor said does not think she has bad intent in heart and mind I blurted out I have no idea whats in her heart or mind! Am I losing it here and she even started focusing on the past trying it felt to justify her bad choices. Felt like a set back but making me really evaluate what we are doing. Maybe its normal but I felt pissed like she shoukd be bending over backwards at this point geeze im still here still doing sometimes I feel like an idiot and it triggers me all over. Thanks for letting me vent

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chas188's picture
(6415)
Mar 3

@scarlettRain I guess in some form already doing that but fully trust guess time will tell. For me more than trust is her taking full ownership without finding a reason to justify or be defensive. Again it is better but I think its more about her shattered image. I. Trying to come to grips and heal but hard when I dont fully know her thoughts. Happy she is in a process with her therapist but that process eventually needs to come fully to our process if that makes sense. We have 2 small children togther but im not sure her motivation to stay and now finding myself trying to find reason to stay more than wanting to but from what I read here seems like time self care I think she is afriad my self care will turn into leaving which is not the plan but I feel controlled.

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@chas188 I totally relate to the need for her to take full ownership and not try to defend her actions. This is something I still struggle with in my marriage. It just seems like my wife doesn't "get it". I think that is probably the selfish streak in her (and probably what allowed her to cheat)....

She always wants to minimize or defend her actions.

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chas188's picture
(6415)
Mar 4

@jamiemaddrox2020
Yup think for me there is am arrogance on her part which is a turn off. When she is sweet she's super sweet but that other side lots things she hates to admit been hard few weeks on surface you would think ok but im struggling to want to stay very sad feeling

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