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Hi everyone I am out of the hospital thank God thanks for th

[3620]

Hi everyone I am out of the hospital thank God thanks for the support. I guess my stress that nearly took my life scared my cheating wife into confessions she gave me the following letter to read two days after I got out supposedly the real truth. I told her I felt she should have talked to me or made a plan if she was so worried about my reactions before and how it might hurt me giving it to me outside of marrital counseling and not having a plan felt like dumping and I said I would not read it unless we made a plan like do I not react for 2 days do we read together like supports. Anyhow we are suppose to talk in marriage counseling about it tuesday but her anxiety made me wonder what was in it so I just opened it. It is LONG and powerful because I had no idea she and her ex hooked up way back when while we were just married while we were trying to make our first child which seems could not be mine. She used unprotected sex. I think I'm beyond hurt and I am not sure I can repair she does not know I read it so I'm having to eat feelings hence y I am here. It's long if you care to read curious thoughts and how do I move from this she says they not talking now seems so but unless a wall is put up. Feels like she is saying I did this BUT, I love you BUT, last night I said how do you love me she wrote it's more about trust than love wtf ...I'm ready to look at temp seoaration but here goes

----- Original message --------

Subject: whole story as I recall it -

Hi ....

Please be gentle with me. THIS WAS HARD TO WRITE and I am sure difficult to process.

I wrote this shaking.  wish I had the clarity, strength and safety to have shared this with you months ago. I tried to hide this but your mind/gut/heart are pressing for truth.  the story is humiliating!!! I am so sorry you are one of those people with multiple D Days. I regret bringing any of this drama in our lives.

I did not set out with the intention to play you but clearly that is what happened.  I am so sad and angry at myself for mishandling/abusing your love and trust.  I knew better but did not do better.  With that, Q was the only person I engaged with.  I know one person was way MORE than enough. there was never anyone else.  my love for you is/was real.  

Q and his childrens' mother separated after 17 years of relationship because he had an affair. During our time together in 2019, he talked about thinking of his affair partner as the devil.  he felt he and his family would not have suffered as much loss if she were not around.  he felt like her love for him should have helped guide him in a respectable path. Fast forward to how things ended with Q and I officially in 2020 was with me now thinking of him as the devil.  I feel like if he really loved me as much as he said he did, he would have not only guided and engaged (based on experience) in a more respectful less damaging manner. i pray he gets help to because we were homieloverfriends and I am sure there is a void for him as there is for me (although it is fading.)  This is not to excuse my choices but rather saying that love in it's TRUE form will make us bigger, stronger, better.   

You and i did not have a bad life.  I made a series of stupid and selfish choices.  almost like an addiction.  the first use was a choice. 

I completely sabotaged my life's happiness with you.  I am writing this so you have it even if we cannot repair.  off all the not nice things I did, this information is the most loving thing I can do to confirm you are not/ were not crazy. 

YOU DESERVED BETTER from me as your wife, friend, partner.

  There were years of on and off interactions with Q so I am providing info as I remember it.

Affair started in 2014.  Sam's happened exactly as I told you it did. Not exactly sure the time frame but guessing 2 /3 months after Sam's I started to talking to Q again.  I was angry that I did everything I knew to be the right thing when I wanted to meet Q at Sam's and your reaction was so extreme that I felt you were going to rob me of my chance to have a baby. it was triggering the years I told myself a baby could not and would not ever happen for me after a series of damaging choices after I was raped at 16.  My internal conversations were harsh and loud. I should have said baby let's go therapy something other than the crap I did.  I connected with Q.  Convos were easy.  i could speak about my thoughts, feelings without a big scene.  We had sex a few times.  Released all that old emotion.  He got engaged and you and I were moving forward on our marriage and having a baby. Q and I were not sexually active but spoke periodically until I found out I was pregnant. Q and I just stopped speaking I thought we were done.  He emailed me months after Amber was born to say congrats.  Spoke a few times via email/phone and saw him a couple of times when he was in the area.  drive by and say hey or sit on a bench and talk.  After a few weeks, we stopped communicating again. I started feeling my self esteem and worth coming back up. 

 

Fast forward to 2017.  2 miscarriages, painful exams to begin fertility treatment.  thank goodness it was not needed but emotionally it was hard.  then a positive pregnancy test. I felt God heard my prayers and my cries.  Our life had challenges but was not bad. I was feeling closer to you and we could get through anything. then we went to florida.  I won't keep retelling that story but my gut said see he does not care about your or your baby.  Charles was just more concerned about looking like a devoted husband in front of others.  not really in caring for you.  you have to take care of self.  I know you probable say it was not like that.  I am talking about my feeling.  when we came home tests confirmed a healthy pregnancy.  I so so happy.  I thought you were too.  things were picking up with TWC and there was an excitement about that.  I was to but I was also jealous.  early morning, late nights you were planning for this business.  I wanted your attention but felt like I was a burden to things you wanted to do.  looking back, I am sure I was not clear that I needed/wanted more from you.  I am sorry about that.  

When I was about 7 months pregnant when I saw Q on the highway. Roughly Dec 2017 it was cold out.  I pulled over and Spoke for a little while maybe 10 minutes.  Said later. Did not hear from him for months after that.  

in 2018 he reached out to see how I was doing.  I asked why was he back around.  he said he missed me and loved me and was hard to stay away.   in convos he asked if Amber was his child.  i was pissed he would ask me that.  I was so hurt physically after injury, was soooo sad and lonely.  Felt like I lost everything in so many ways.  i felt like it did not matter to you or anyone else.  I told him, he and I used condoms and he reminded me of a slip with condom (it came off inside me.) but more than that, the timeline did not add up.  I was pissed he asked me that.   He was going to turn my world upside down but i also welcomed someone that seemed interested in me.  sounds crazy but I felt so alone in the world.  now Q returning asking if Amber was his made me feel more alone in some ways but it connected the two of us together because there were no lies or pretense with him.  he knew my secrets because right or wrong, he was there with me. we talked about doing a paternity test.  not because I thought he was the father but to get him to stop talking about it.   think he was hoping she was his to keep us connected. to fill a void he had. never did the paternity test because I was not sure how valid the home kits were nor was I sure if her name, DNA would pop up somewhere. i looked up labcorp during time I was writing this and they do a legal dna test (cheek swab) for $525.  I am open to doing that if you want to confirm what I already feel/felt was true, that Amber is your biological child.  anyway, just saying i will not be upset.  i am open to that if you want.  I am having to write some of this matter of factly because there is such deep feelings about it all that this is only way I can get the story out. Anyway, after speaking a few times, we stopped speaking again. No good bye just neither called.

After my surgery I FELT like a burden to you.  Having to rearrange schedules, needing you to do more cut deeper in to the shell I already was. the physical pain to walk, use toilet, hold Jeremiah, unable to hold Amber was depressing.  Your feelings about having to do more and help us at home were clear.  I HATED asking you for anything.  I felt so small. I am not saying that to blame you.  Saying brain, heart between choices and i made and things out of my control made me feel small and insignificant.  like no one cared.  like you did not care.

When he contacted me in 2019, he was asking how i was doing.  I gave him updates on my progress.  he gave additional support I needed to get through painful medical treatments. There were times I felt like he and I were a couple when we were together during those few hours we saw each other.  Although i knew my connection with Q was wrong, i felt loved, wanted and appreciated.  my conscience was eating me up.  Q wanted us to be a family.  he wanted to give me now what he was not able to in 2008.  part of me was so happy.  before I met you beanie, that is what I wanted from him.  to be a family.  now here he was talking about this in 2019 when I am married with 5 children hurt my heart.  my heart felt like i had to chose between two loves.  what made it harder was when I found out he and his fiance were breaking up.  I felt like all the losses pertaining to Q and I being together would be on my side.  he asked me if I ended my marriage to be with him, would I still be loving and longing for you and I said yes.  I told him that just because relationship stops, does not mean the love stops.  he understood that concept well.  the chemistry between us was strong but not strong enough to make me pick up and leave my husband and rip my family apart.  I know I ripped it by doing this anyway.

 there were periods of flirtation, touching but became clearly sexual closer to the end of the year.  mostly used condoms. there were a few instances without (I know, I know I am terrible and would have been so pissed reversed).  Both Q and I bought the condoms at different points.  More periods of discord as there were pulls on my time being back at work fulltime, 3 minor children, still married and still getting medical treatment.  he wanted more and I did not have more to give.  we were talking about saying goodbye as our connection was hurting both of us.  In Dec 2019 or Jan 2020 he was slated to have a medical procedure.  he was feeling very alone and scared.   a feeling I recently had experienced.  We agree we would stay in contact so he would not feel as alone going through surgery.  My seeing him 2x at end of Nov 2019 and Dec 22nd Dec 29th were all connected in this way to ending of relationship between the two of us and what what was on his agenda. Once surgery was done and things were increasingly tense between you and I, he and I pulled apart.  

I do not speak with him at all.  There are moments that I think of him and wish things were different between us.   Different meaning that we had reconnected before you and I got married, did not have an affair, stayed friends perhaps with nothing more and all with your knowledge or said Hi at graduation and kept it pushing. 

There has been no sexual contact, no hotels or home visits at all in 2020.  Q was NEVER in our homes Secor or here.

Love you and am deeply sorry,

...

Please let me know what you need to do to take care of you today and next few days.

Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android

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beth65's picture
[32115]
Jun 30

@Sdiamond1026 you probably won't ever get what you want if you stay with her.

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Sdiamond1026's picture
[32765]
Jun 30

@Soul4me
Yeah, you are definitely right.. It's been a while now and I'm doing way better than I was the first but yes, something is still keeping me from totally forgiving.

Reply
Sdiamond1026's picture
[32765]
Jun 30

@beth65
Yeah I know, I'll be settling.

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