I am having difficulty maintaining separation from the prese

Brenna2004's picture
(610)

I am having difficulty maintaining separation from the present and the past. So much of current events and interactions with my husband, and to some extent my son, are uncomfortable and remind me of things that my father did. He could never keep a job for long and would always blame others, saying the people discriminated against him because he was 'Southern' and was in the army. What money we had was more likely spent on his motorcycle than on us.
My husband hasn't been much better. He can't hold a job because people mess things up for him. He is irresponsible with money, to the point that early in our marriage, he over-drafted our bank account more than once. I took away his access to the bank account.
Now, I discovered this morning that my son, for whom we just opened a checking account this summer, was using the debit card to buy things for his games to the point that he has 18 cents left in the account. He was supposed to clear any purchase with me. So, I lost it on him. Screaming and cursing. I did not hurt him. I did drive recklessly.
I know that a certain amount of this anger is fear and that fear stems from a lifetime of not feeling secure, either financially or emotionally, of not feeling safe. I don't know how to get through to my son that what he's done is NOT good.

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 1
(28705)
Sep 23

One of the best things to do and stay in the habit (which is not an easy task) is even if you blow up, come back later and apologize even if they are the one being irresponsible because it's important for you to show responsibility for your actions too especially if you want to help your son learn to take more responsibility for his actions or behaviors. So, you will have to cool down from the situation whether it's later that day or days later then have a plan for a conversation with your son or husband and have a calm controlled conversation explaining how their behavior is upsetting to you and why. Tell your son this isn't the way to live it will only cause problems in your life and you want the best for him. The same with your husband, and he's the adult that needs to be a role model for your son so it's crucial that he gets things turned around and fast. It won't be easy since it's been going on probably all his life but he has to stop and think about hos son and the welfare of the family. All you can do is model responsible behavior yourself and stay determined to work with your son. Your husband is an adult so hopefully he will start to make real efforts after a few conversations. It's going to take alot of work on your part too but that's what we have to do sometimes when we have kids. Your husband is the main one that needs to start the ball rolling in the right direction but its hard to say if you can get through to him. Is it possible for you guys to do marriage counseling so you can get more guidance in learning how to communicate more affectively?

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