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Not really sure how to put this, but here it is. I am here b

Not really sure how to put this, but here it is. I am here because, as far as I am concerned, I has a lot of sexual behaviors as a child. I remember sitting on my younger brother inappropriately for sexual pleasure and getting off of him as soon as my parents would open the door to their room. I have asked my brother for forgiveness for this, but while he does forgive me, he does not recall it happening. I was about 7.

I would also lift up my shirt press my non boobs against the window in my room that faced the street. Every time a car would pass I would "feel it in my underwear" as I called it. I was about 9 when I was doing this.

I remember drawing diagrams of what sex looked like in the steam on the bathroom window, Think about "hairstyles" for vaginal lips and "clenching" when I had to pee if I was fanaticizing about/ imagining kissing someone. From about 8 to 12 on the diagrams and 8 to 17 on the whole clenching thing.

While I am asking about this in support groups, is this normal? If I ask my mom she would probably say yes, but she was molested as a child, so idk.

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xbribrichanx's picture
[300]
Dec 31

I agree with the others. You should seek out a professional. This all could be normal sexual curiosity that children do something experience. And sometimes if that curiosity is shamed or pushed down in an unhealthy way, it can sometimes make it "stronger" in a way. But the way you word your paragraph it seems that there may be some concern as to child sexual abuse. If there was but you only remember the extreme sexual curiosity, you may be expecting surprised memories. If you choose to handle those I really recommend that you do it with good professional help because it can be a lot to handle, and better to not handle it alone.

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[215]
Jan 6

What's normal is what's normal to you. And children explore. I wouldn't beat myself up if I were you. But I agree there might be more there than appears on the surface and a trip to a good psychologist might not be a bad idea.

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JustJ60's picture
[1340]
Jan 7

Will 2596, after reading your post several times - it hit very close to home for me. Let me share that I know that curiosity (s*xual) is normal process in most prepubescent children as they enter adolescence. Perhaps your curiosity turned into fascination because of some dysfunction within your family that you aren't fully aware since you wrote that your mother had been molested as a child and the cycle of abuse/addiction can manifest in many different ways from generation to generation. What is "normal" behaviour and what is not - I feel that is an individual's personal decisions and that as long as it is healthy - that "normal" can be many things. Are you broken - probably not, but I am no expert and don't pretend to be. However, don't beat yourself up - you have had the courage to look at your behaviours and the honesty to ask yourself those questions and sought out assistance on this forum. I will have to agree those others that suggested that you seek out some professional help. You have taken the biggest and first step in acknowledging your feelings and actions. Congratulations for your courage and bravely to take that first step. One Day At A Time.

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