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I'm thinking back to the beginning of my OCD right now, I'm

[195]

I'm thinking back to the beginning of my OCD right now, I'm afraid it's not/no longer that.

What started all this six years ago was a gay fantasy I had (so I watched related porn), although I was never attracted to men. A soft fantasy, born of reading. I'm a relatively impressionable person at times, even more so at the time, but when I say that to myself I feel like I'm making excuses.
That said, I can spend hours testing myself on gay porn, it gives me no pleasure, no erection, nothing. At worst, anxiety, at best nothing at all (as if I were looking at a wall).
I'm less and less sure I have HOCD. I'm afraid to lie to myself.

I have had a lot of OCD symptoms but I still have doubts...

I mean, it's common for people to have fantasies that aren't related to their sexual orientation, so it's probably OCD, but I'm afraid it's not. What follows is my history of OCD from the beginning to now.

So it started six years ago pending/after watching porn a few times that didn't match my sexual orientation. I thought I was wondering about my sexual orientation at first. Then the anxiety came, and quickly enough left, but the questions they never left. Very often in the middle of the day: "Am I gay?" and an internal debate in response to this question. I've never noticed a man, I've never been attracted to a man, I've always fantasized about girls (except that period with that famous gay fantasy that triggered everything, but that fantasy only took place with porn, without, at the same period, I only fantasized about girls), wanted a woman. I fell in love with girls in the meantime, and even before OCD started, it was the girls that attracted me.

Then, two years ago, two months before going to college, a girl rejected me. I'm depressed, and just as things are starting to get a little better, a few days before my first day of college, I'm having trouble getting an erection. Two days later, I go to college for the first time and I sympathize with a guy, I tell myself he's cool, and then the questioning starts again stronger "Wait if I think he's cool... I wouldn't be gay?".
That's when it got worse. Anxiety, rumination, intrusive thoughts, sometimes images, tests with scenarios created in my head, false attractions, loss of erection, wondering if I was in love with the girls I was in love with, wondering how you know when you are in love, how you know your sexual orientation, all the time, all the time, every day. After a few months it started to fade. Then I panic, after all, if I don't have any more anxiety it's because it's not HOCD. I discover backdoor-spike and everything starts all over again. But all that time, I was attracted to girls, I noticed them, something that reassured me was imagining myself with a girl when I woke up, watching her sleep... And sexual stuff followed, but that's not the point.

Everything started to get better at the beginning of this year, I managed to get rid of all that by telling myself that I had an OCD and by trying not to react to the anxiety, I found my erections Everything was better. And that's when the loss of attraction hit. Less and less aesthetic attraction towards women. First one, then two, then five, then almost all of them... Every day check to see if it had come back, every day ask me if it was still the fake, if I had OCD. At the beginning of this loss of attraction there was little anxiety, I thought it was OCD, then I started to doubt OCD, so the anxiety came back. I spent evenings crying about this loss of attraction, wanting her back. I'm not very anxious right now, the attraction to girls is partially there, but I'm ruminating about the past, I think back to the beginning, I think about all that, I wonder if I was really attracted to the girls I was looking at on the street, if I wasn't doing this to compensate for a repressed homosexuality or bisexuality, I wonder: "Did I want to realize this fantasy from six years ago?". I'm afraid it's not OCD. I don't want a relationship with a man, I've never wanted one, I've always wanted women and now... I'm not attracted to men so it's okay, but losing a lot of my attraction to women hurts me.

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[38645]
Dec 9

@Cowboys123 in the earlier stages of hocd, every time I happened to look at a girl, I was automatically a lesbian. Yesterday I was watching the new Tomb Raider movie, and my brain was obsessed with the appearance of the female lead...I recognize she's very pretty and I feel like that must mean I'm gay. I have no idea of whether or not I'm attracted to her. I googled her last night and this morning to see if I was attracted, but got bored with looking at pictures of her. But there just seems to be this idea that if you recognize someone of the same sex is attractive, that it must mean something... And your brain takes it to this place where you can't stop focusing on their appearance....I probably sound like a lesbian now. And what kind of makes it seem more legitimate is that I can more or less accept that I find her very pretty... Which is kind of ridiculous... But it had me questioning whether or not sexual orientation can change... Or if I'm just beginning more open to the idea of being into women.... But I think it would be incredibly weird to be in a relationship with a woman... It would just be so awkward and off putting. I don't think lesbianism is for me.

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[1160]
Dec 9

@Bria869 for me it’s like my mind is just set for every female I see just to look at them. But I’m not understanding how I feel like I know I don’t want to do anything physically or sexually so idk. It so hard.

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[1160]
Dec 9

@SeeingBeyondDarkness yeah that for sure makes sense

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