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I feel gay and i do not like it. I have always liked guys an

I feel gay and i do not like it. I have always liked guys ans i have never wanted to have sex with girls, but i feel like i have no other choice thatn to be gay. It is so scary because I don't really want a boyfriend right now, but I want a boyfriend in the future. I have had so many crushes on guys, but i get so nervous and scared around them now (and HOCD doesn't amke things any better...
can anyone else relate???

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Jan 11

@Iwantmyoldselfback How old are you if I may ask?
Same girl, I hate that I missed out on all the stupid but fun things that teenagers do all because of my social anxiety. Whilst I can dream of being in a relationship with a guy, it just doesn't feel so exciting and warm to me anymore.

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@kari197 geeez im litteralt shook at how much i can relate! Evertime im surprised again. I suffered from socail anxiety to. I had like 3 friends lol i was to scared i would make a fool pur of myself. I was waay to scared to step up to a boy. I was even scared to raise my hand to go to the toilet my mind immideatly made the worst scenraios that i was gonna trip in front of my crush. Ugh it was so bad i was afraid to throw something away in the trash so i had to walk up fron class i was scared i would trip over a bag. I was scared to cough bevause it may sound weird. And same dreaminf about the relationship was like wow i hoope one day i find the one the guy i can be comfortable with and who respects me and i just had dreams.. now its all taken away from i cant even crush on a cute celelbrigie or a guy on a show... im 16 btw :) i know it seems young but in this school system in holland i already finished high school. Im studying alteady. Its because we have sort of levels and then u graduate. The higher the level the later u graduate. Im mid level so thats why im already 16 and studying so basically i ready finished highsxhool and now go to college. But i also had maajor dreams about college but now its a hell. Ever since the break from high school to college which was 4 months hocd developed. I was so lifeless in those 4 months. All i did was stay indoors and o nothing i kinda brought this to myself. Aftrr those 4 months i went to college and the hell broke loose like major anxiety and just panicking and getting scared for girls. Also before the break when i was visting my college to check out if thats the college i wanna go to u know a day where u can join lessons to see if you want to sign up for the college i saw soo many cute guys and was like ik sooo excited maybe i will get my first boyfriend and stuff and maybe i will get the college relationship. But then after the break hocd developed and now its a hell. All of the college boys make me feel nothing. No warm feelings anymore. And there are litteraly dooo many gay and bi girls on college akd wow i dont think ill survive tbh lol im so scared all day everday. There are so many lgbt people that when they talk to u about realtionships they first ask if u like girls or boys imagine how triggering rhat is. Im scared they think im closteded because i always get very nervouw buts rhats due to the anxiety hocd js causing. I cant handle that im not crushing on all the cute college boys... i first went to school in a small town but now my college is in a bigger town and i was soo excited like omg a big city and cure boys and going to college i thought i was gonna live my dream life but all kf it was torn apart by hocd. Now everyday i get major anxiety before going to school and everywhere are people and now people in general just trigger me. Going with the train and metrl everywhere are those suspisois girls thaf could be gay that totally trigger me. I litteraly think every girl is gay nowadays. When i dee a girl looking st me i immedialty am like lmg shes gay look away look away, im not tryna be homophobic its just super duper triggering. But in the city so many lgbt girls that trigger me i just totally lost my self and al scared i will never find the old me again. It seems so impossible somehow :( like nothing will help. Applying tricks or therapy like it all wont do anything i lost so mich hope and im almost convinced im gay while i never even had real feelings for girls ever. Im even comfortable about typing this now when i first had hocd i couldtn rven type the word lesbian lr gay it triggered me l much. It feels like it keeps growijg and growing on me like its really becoming a part of me and i DONT want that i just know its not me. Sorry for this super long emssage i just couldnt stol writing lol :D

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@Iwantmyoldselfback also when i first got hocd i had so many panick attackt at the thought that later in life i would be like ahahah omg u remeber thay phase where i thiught i acc wasnt gay and now im soo gay lol. When i first thought that incriednthe whole night like omg im sl scared that will happen i love boys so much. But now that i havent felt anyhrinf for a boy in so long forhet what im missing sort of sk those thiughts dont even trigger me antmore crazy right? Like i havent felt anything in so lonn so what al i suppose to be missing anyway? All i know is that what i felt for boys was REAL this aint real i know but i just forget what real felt like bc its been so long since i felt the feeling of real . I miss it soo much feeling the real thing for a boy im so scared that i will cometely forget what its like and develop REAL feings for girls.. i know everyone says you cant change orientation overnigjt but how about u can chnange orientation in a year of hocd???

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