I don't know what to do anymore . 4 years! I give up . This

[275]

I don't know what to do anymore . 4 years! I give up .
This thing just ruin my life
All this xxxx started when I got to the army , I had a boyfriend for 2 years that I love from all of my heart . Then I had a commander that I really admired and out off nowhere the quastion if I'm lesbian came
It's killing me !
I always was a boy crazy , always want the guys attention. Had something like 30 crushes over boys . Had 3 serrious boyfriends but now everything looks like a big lies.
The thing that keeps moving in my head all day is the thing that when I was young (9 years) I watched videos off naked girl and touch myself, I hate this , i am trying 24/7 to remember about which things I thought when I did that .. about touching them ? Be like them ?? .. I can remember that I was looking for the men's and didnt find till I got to the porn and watch straight and gay ..
I hate the thoughts about this , I hate that I did that . there is a chance that I was always attracted to girls and just didn't think about it ? And what is attracted ????
I have another boyfriend right now , for 1.5 years .. I can't explain how much I love him and how much I want to spend my life with him .. but it's just impossible .. I hate my life and those thoughts

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[1795]
Aug 13

I've always been straight and one morning I woke up and thought what if I'm gay and from then on I've been questioning myself for about a month it's always in ur head deep down I know I'm not when it stops I get the relief for a short time which I'm all happy then it starts again. Month onwards it's been going on for I feel the same.

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[275]
Aug 14

??

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[955]
Aug 14

mines started off like that , then got worse

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