Difference between gay in denial and having HOCD: Gay in

@NicoletteCB don't pay attention to all that noise through my struggles i learned that you don't "choose" to be gay, you are born gay and the same can apply to heteros and actually everybody. everybody is born their own way its not a burden to be anything other than straight its who you are its what makes you comfortable its what you envision yourself doing. i personally don't fear being gay i could care less but i know deep down inside me i'm not so i don't think i can turn gay over one thought or over night, just the only thing is the anxiety sometimes and how much of an annoyance it is to my life it serves no purpose other than to be an obstacle. I have gay friends as well i get a long pretty fine with them i was raise taught not hate anybody so i'm in no way shape or form homophobic sadly this mental disorder made me homophobic when i didn't want to be (not anymore i'm getting better).

My OCD does the same it whispers to me and tells me to accept being Homosexual and move on with life but when i did it made no difference cause i was still being tormented so that was a clear indication i wasn't besides i find thoughts about me and doing stuff with the same sex disturbing. you're no different than any of us on this page we are all going through something that is robbing us of our identities.

@Eddylow9 I'd like to think I was born this way maybe if I lived in a more "liberal" and accepting family or community then perhaps I would've found out my true sexuality faster I notice I started accepting myself more when I learned a more positive definition of same sex relationships but I can go on and on with "what if.." scenarios. What's important now is I don't want to be with guys and don't see myself happy with one when it comes to long term relationships like marriage, plus I actually have a feeling that if I was to proclaim myself as hetero I would become the new face of "gay in denial" because I know who I am and it ain't a lover of boys anymore.

I have the idea that I might've been born this way because I have the 2D: 4D ratio with my fingers that matches the ratio of heterosexual men which may mean I was exposed to more testosterone in my mother's uterus making me technically born gay but then I started reading the critiques for that study talking about how faulty it was in determining lesbianism and once again HOCD was knocking on my door.

Thank you for talking to me though it's nice to get this all out to people who aren't being paid to listen to me like my therapist.