A couple days ago I found out I was HIV+. Since then I’ve

A couple days ago I found out I was HIV+. Since then I’ve broken down a few times but mostly have just been physically numb along with waves of depression, anxiety, and anger. Some moments seem almost euphoric as though I’m seeing life in a whole new way, like I’m watching the world from the outside looking in. I don’t feel comfortable in my own body or even around other people. I’m afraid to even be close to anyone which I know is obviously ridiculous but I feel it none the less.

I’m anxious about either dying of the disease or living with my blood system pumped full of drugs to keep the infection at bay. The thought of my circulatory system having to have high levels of drugs in it for the rest of my life with out skipping a beat for fear of only making this disease stronger and eliminating the option of treatment is terrifying.

I’m angry at the world. I’m angry this exists, and angry that it happened to me. I’m angry about the little things throughout my day, like this freaking vending machine next to my desk that won’t stop freaking beeping, or all the people that keep asking “what’s wrong?” and “why aren’t you your usual happy go lucky self?” “ you’ve been like this since Saturday, you gotta tell us what’s going on” flip off. I had my blood drawn yesterday and snapped at one of the nurses partly because of how terrible the whole system in place for this is and partly just because I’m angry.

I’m depressed because I feel like I’ve lost control of my life that I’m supposed be so good at controlling. I’m depressed that I have to tell my mom about this, not that I actually HAVE to tell her but that I want her by my side, selfishly, even though it will put her through the same misery I’ve been going through. I’m depressed at the thought of my possibilities to find a girl to marry and have children with just vanished from my future, I know that may not be completely true but let’s be real there aren’t exactly a lot of fish in the sea for me anymore. Im depressed that losing 25 pounds in two weeks from the “Flu” in January and continuing to lose weight was never actually a blessing but a lifelong curse. I’m just so depressed and life feels so vague and monotonous.

I keep thinking about the moments before I spoke to the man from the department of health and how those were the last moments I will ever have in my life that I don’t think about being HIV+. I feel empty, and disgusted, and numb, and just completely exhausted. I’m sick of everyone saying the same **** thing. “Oh it’s okay” “you’ll be fine, just don’t stress about it” that’s easy when you’re not living the actual nightmare.

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norseduncan's picture
May 9

I am so sorry. its not ok. it f***ing sucks. and no, I have no idea what you are going through. you can be angry. you can be depressed. just don't give up. and keep talking to us here.

May 10

Hey norseduncan... It's understandable that you feel angry at life right now. Scared , depressed and all the emotion that come along hearing that you now have HIV. How old are you if you don't mind sharing that information. I know you said you tired of hearing "It's going to be okay"... well guess what?..It is... ; )... How do I know this? I have been living with HIV for 26 years. Back when I found out , things were entirely different than they are today. Advances in medication are amazing. I know you said you did not want to take a lot of medications and have chemicals running through you body. Today I am currently taking only 1 pill a day to keep my HIV in control . It's not difficult at all, when compared to when I found out in 1992. The height of HIV infection. I had to take 22 pills a day, now that my friend is scary. If you don't mind a few suggestions. Find an a Doctor that is a specialist in HIV care. You and this Dr. will discuss your best options as far a medication and how your life will proceed from that day forward. It's going to be scary, so write down all your concerns. Trust me this will help. That way you will not forget once your in the office. Your life is not over believe me when I tell you that. The biggest hurdle you will need to over come is your way of thinking. How do you do that... it's a simpler way of looking at your status. I want you to start saying " I am LIVING with HIV ". It is now a part of who you are, it's not going away . At least at this moment. Find people you trust and share your diagnoses with them. Hopefully it's your family. If not friends. You will need a good support system. Perhaps look into getting involved in a real face to face support group. Once you get through the initial shock of you diagnoses, then your life will begin. Pretty much the same only with a few adjustments. Please feel free to ask me anything or message me if you wish to chat in Private.

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May 16

Thank you for the reply, I’m 25 years old. It’s been a week since I wrote that post and I’ve calmed down a little bit definitely go up and down from day to day. I’ve gotten my results for my blood work back now and my viral load is just under 1.8 million with a CD4 count of 218 so my doctor wanted me to start treatment immediately since it’s moving so aggressively after only 6 months of exposure. I just took my first pill of Genvoya last night. That was honestly really tough, knowing that this is the first dose of the rest of my life. Now I’ve started and there’s no turning back now though. Again thanks for your advice. I’m trying to find some local support groups but I’m having trouble finding info, I live in the DC metro area on the Maryland side if anyone knows of any programs around here


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