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A couple days ago I found out I was HIV+. Since then I’ve

A couple days ago I found out I was HIV+. Since then I’ve broken down a few times but mostly have just been physically numb along with waves of depression, anxiety, and anger. Some moments seem almost euphoric as though I’m seeing life in a whole new way, like I’m watching the world from the outside looking in. I don’t feel comfortable in my own body or even around other people. I’m afraid to even be close to anyone which I know is obviously ridiculous but I feel it none the less.

I’m anxious about either dying of the disease or living with my blood system pumped full of drugs to keep the infection at bay. The thought of my circulatory system having to have high levels of drugs in it for the rest of my life with out skipping a beat for fear of only making this disease stronger and eliminating the option of treatment is terrifying.

I’m angry at the world. I’m angry this exists, and angry that it happened to me. I’m angry about the little things throughout my day, like this freaking vending machine next to my desk that won’t stop freaking beeping, or all the people that keep asking “what’s wrong?” and “why aren’t you your usual happy go lucky self?” “ you’ve been like this since Saturday, you gotta tell us what’s going on” flip off. I had my blood drawn yesterday and snapped at one of the nurses partly because of how terrible the whole system in place for this is and partly just because I’m angry.

I’m depressed because I feel like I’ve lost control of my life that I’m supposed be so good at controlling. I’m depressed that I have to tell my mom about this, not that I actually HAVE to tell her but that I want her by my side, selfishly, even though it will put her through the same misery I’ve been going through. I’m depressed at the thought of my possibilities to find a girl to marry and have children with just vanished from my future, I know that may not be completely true but let’s be real there aren’t exactly a lot of fish in the sea for me anymore. Im depressed that losing 25 pounds in two weeks from the “Flu” in January and continuing to lose weight was never actually a blessing but a lifelong curse. I’m just so depressed and life feels so vague and monotonous.

I keep thinking about the moments before I spoke to the man from the department of health and how those were the last moments I will ever have in my life that I don’t think about being HIV+. I feel empty, and disgusted, and numb, and just completely exhausted. I’m sick of everyone saying the same **** thing. “Oh it’s okay” “you’ll be fine, just don’t stress about it” that’s easy when you’re not living the actual nightmare.

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[30]
May 20

@MichaelHPV

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[30]
May 20

@MichaelHPV
Hi Michael,
i saw the response you gave to norseduncan, I found out my status just recently. I need some one to talk to, hope you can answer to my post, I am really sad. Hope you can help!

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[140]
May 21

@SadandHappy.... I will help the best I can. Please feel free to message me , we can chat in private if you like.

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