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I found out I have herpes about 4 years ago. A girl I was s

I found out I have herpes about 4 years ago. A girl I was seeing for a bit contacted me two weeks after and told me in person. I din't even know how to react, I was so quiet and i just told her its ok, I'll be fine and walked away. I went to the clinic immediately after and got tested, results came back positive 10 days later. The panic set in after the doctor came back and said there was no cure, its stays for life but there is good medication for it. That's all I was told. There was no more information. No guide on how to understand and navigate my new reality. I immediately searched the internet but everything just scared me more, gave me doubt mostly because even tho she told me what if i had before her? Did i give it to her or females before her? I was always a shy kid who was just getting some courage with ladies and then this happened.
I didn't know who to tell. My parents are both spiritual and pastors. They are really good people and I've come close to telling them multiple times but my dad can be judgemental sometimes. I'm also scared of how ashamed they would be.
After this, the first few years I was reckless and a year or so later, a girl I slept with after a night out contacted and told me she has herpes. After that, I got more serious more careful. I only went out sometimes, and if I had sex, I'd shower before as well as pop an extra medication pill or two at least 30 mins to an hour before sex and I encourage the ladies to wash up after we're done. I even was in a relationship for a while amd she loved me no matter what but I couldnt tell her I had herpes. I had sex with her sometimes. She would get mad at me when I wouldn't because I was trying to keep her safe if I had an itch or there was an outbreak. I didn't know how to tell her so I just broke up with her and told her it was for her own good. Took a while to do that to. After that I just told myself that noone would want me, love me or find me attractive if I ever told anyone.
September 2017 was when **** started to hit the fan for me mentally. Panic, anxiety, guilt, remorse, and just generally feeling like a **** bag. The depression came after and it was really bad for a while and I didn't think I deserved to live for not telling these ladies.
I decided to talk to someone who gets paid to listen to people. So I got a therapist and 4 years of emotions and bottled up **** poured out over a series of sessions. They really helped me mentally and I finally got the courage to tell two of my best friends. They were both supportive and one of them who saw me cry while I was telling him said that he couldn't believe I'd been living with it by myself for so long. I got more positive after these.

Moving forward, I promised I would do better. I saw a girl for a bit in the summer about a month and a half and we had sex 3 times before I told her. I showered before, popped my pills and wore condoms. When I told her she was really chill about it, I didnt expect it but her personality is kinda cool like that. She got tested and results were negative. Before the results she was a bit scared too but she wasn't mad at me or anything. We're still friends but I feel not all females are chill like she is.
Recently tho, my guilt has been killing me. I want to contact all the females I've been with to tell them to get tested and apologize but i feel its too late and the reactions would be extremely unpleasant. At a point I even thought about suicide by height, train or bus. What if one of them makes facebook post that's shared? and I become a herpes meme laughing stock? what about their mental states if mine is like this right now? how would fathers react? I want redemption but I'm not sure I deserve it. I've had sex, only at select times and I make sure to shower, take my pills regularly as well as an hour before and wear a condom and encourage the ladies to shower after but apart from the female from last summer I've never told any other female. I don't how to even begin.

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norseduncan's picture
Aug 10

I think suicide is a poor option, because more people out there are accepting than you might think. and this disease is not the end of things. I think you should tell them, but the important thing here is what you want to do

Aug 11

@norseduncan i agree, i thought about it and I'd rather face it head on than run away. Im thinking of going prepared by making a little guide on living with it. Gonna put some legitimate articles I can find as well as testimonials too. Hopefully this helps them. They don't need to forgive me but I'd like them not live with the fear and uncertainty that seems to follow.

norseduncan's picture
Aug 11

@notagooddude that is a really good plan


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