I’ve had a rough day today and can’t stop crying. I feel

I’ve had a rough day today and can’t stop crying. I feel like I’ve been dealt ****** hands all my life. Was raped at 15 yo, my husband died when I was 33 and at 45 was diagnosed with HSV. I’m now soon to be 51. And to top it off I have depression too.
It took me 16 years to find a guy worth dating and that lasted almost 2 years. He just broke up with me a week ago. A guy I used to work with asked me out and I went out with him. Today we started having a text conversation about our interest in each other and I kept being wishy washy with my responses to him about sex. He finally threw out there that he has no diseases and I knew I had to come clean about my HSV because I’d never want to take the chance of infecting someone. He thanked me for my honesty, but of course said he wouldn’t be pursuing sex with me any longer. I knew that would be the outcome, but it still hurts like hell to be rejected in any way for any reason.
I just feel like my chance to ever be in a relationship again is over. I was alone 16 years and now I’ll be single the rest of my life because it was hard enough to put myself out there after 16 years. This is the lowest I’ve felt since my husband died and the most I’ve ever thought about offing myself to just end my misery. I don’t have the balls to off myself, so no worries there. I sure wonder how much more I can take though.
I’m really just venting because I don’t have anyone to talk to about this particular situation. I’m feeling ashamed and alone.

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Jun 26, 2020

I ended up not being able to make the appointment. Flat tire. Ugh! Rescheduled for next month. Will still discuss it. I've been doing some research and there's always outercourse. Never heard of this, but it's sex without penetration. I'm nowhere close to having sex any time soon, but it's a thought. I'm doing much better since my post. Just needed a couple days to cry it out!

Jun 27, 2020


Jun 29, 2020

i know my reply on this post is a little late since it was posted days ago. but you are valued, there is more that defines a relationship than sex. of course there will be people who write you off just because you have one of the most common and most commonly undiagnosed conditions such as hsv. but then those men are not MAN ENOUGH to have you. you are beautiful, valued, loved and accepted. if not by man from work, then by all of us. when i was diagnosed i had serious thoughts of going back to self harm. but once i found value in myself and realized that i am a strong woman despite hsv and because of that my life has changed. i’ve been trying to look at hsv in the perspective of “maybe this is a test to prove exactly how strong i am, maybe this is a sign saying that only men who worship my heart as i do theirs, will ever get to be with me intimately”. i promise you things will get better. i am sending you so much love and support and my door is always open.

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