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Hello. Just wanted to throw my thoughts out there because I

[285]

Hello. Just wanted to throw my thoughts out there because I feel like I can't say these thing anywhere else.
I have a GYN appointment on Friday to confirm what I already know, that I have HSV-1 genitally. Over the last 6 days it's becoming increasingly clear (although I dabble in denial but trust me, it is). I contracted it from someone who I've been dating for a few months, he has a near-lifetime history of cold sores (I knew this) and we never were active during an “outbreak”. However, it appears it does not matter (again, I knew this was a possibility, but it's still shocking, it happened so fast). Last night we were hanging out, he knew something was wrong and continued to press me until I told him my suspicion. He asked to see but I refused. He said he loves me and naturally feels incredibly sad, saying he has never passed it along before and feels frustrated that he tried to not engage with active outbreaks.
I recently turned 30—what a way to add-on a feeling of being undesirable/having “low stock” as a person. I’ve been crying at work anytime I’m alone. I can’t concentrate on anything. Constantly picking things up with tissues terrified I’ll spread it to my mouth, eyes, whatever (I imagine I already have). Not to mention the outbreak is at the most painful stage (I think). I’m generally an insecure person who’s already anxious to “start my life” (marriage, children) and have a lot of hopes for this relationship already… Now, the stakes seem so much higher. This sounds so insecure but my worst fear now is that we break up for whatever reason, he gets to go on living his life as a dude with cold sores and I’m a 30 year old woman with genital herpes.
I’m sorry, this sounds like a vain, rambling mess. I’m sure there’s helpful postings all over this site and I’ll read them today to get some perspective. Thanks to anyone who’s reading this.

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[40]
Jun 7

I was diagnosed a year ago in July at 28 yrs old. I had just gone through a divorce and was devastated. Now almost a year later I have had absolutely no problem meeting new partners and I am very open and honest with them which I never believed I would be able to do. Trust me, it gets better. Your self esteem will work it's way back and the acceptance from someone once you tell them will feel almost empowering. It really is not as big of a deal to people as you think and if it is then they weren't worth your time anyways.

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[285]
Jun 12

Update: Got my confirmation on Friday and started medication that night. I oscillate between numbness/"calmness" and just total panic/tearfulness (although this is less frequent). The outbreak isn't over and it's driving me insane. I can't help but feel time is warped (days feel like months) and it feels like my body is only for pain/discomfort now. Being hurt physically is one thing but the mental stuff is worse. I take solace in reading other members' perspective and I just really want peace. Thanks again for all your replies.

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[395]
Jun 12

Peace will come, it will take time but it will come. I remember when I first got the news I sat there staring at my doctor like an idiot...I think I probably even smiled when she started explaining but I didn't hear a word. I went home, I bawled, I drank, wanted to die, bawled some more and repeat. It has barely been a month and a half and I'm much better, I don't get a lot of outbreaks thankful so sometimes I even forget for a little bit that I have it. I haven't quite worked up to the "how to tell potential partners or even the guy who gave it to me" part yet but I'll get there, you're already dating so I wouldn't worry about that unnecessarily....I'm a lot better than the 1st night I found out so I know it'll get better still. You'll feel a lot better once your outbreak is done and slowly but surely you'll get to the point where can live with it without crying all the time. This group helped me a lot so stick with it.

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