Hello everyone. As some of you may have read, I was diagnos

Hello everyone. As some of you may have read, I was diagnosed with HSV2 less than 3 weeks ago. After my initial complete devastation, I thought I was beginning to come to some level of terms with this. But I'm not really and it's killing me. I'm having many emotions this morning and just need to "talk". This site and the stories I have read have helped me. I have told no one and I never will. I'm embarrassed to even think about telling my family or my friends. I have good girlfriends that I would trust with my life and I've always been a sharing person with everything in my life, good or bad. They have supported me through other negative times in my life. And of course so has my family. But I just cannot tell anyone about this. It will remain my "dirty little secret". But because I'm such an open person who wears her heart on her sleeve, it's so hard to not be able to talk to at least one friend.

My sister is wondering what's up (we don't live near to each other) and has asked me twice in the last week if I'm ok. I think it's because I'm not reaching out and communicating as much as usual. Also not on social media much right now. I've told her that I've just been extremely busy and everything is great.

So I need this group so very much. To be able to "say things out loud" so to speak. I'm not looking for sympathy. Everyone here needs the same empathy as I do. I just need to vent. I just need to talk.

I have read time and time again that this is just a "skin condition". And I get that. I understand it in theory when I read the posts setting this fact out. But then when I'm living my life, it feels much more than that. I feel dirty. I feel worthless. I feel forever changed in such a negative way. It's very seldom that this isn't in the back of my head. I look at my friends and at strangers with envy that they don't have this. Yes, I understand some may. But I look at them as if none have it. And it brings me enormous sadness but I continue to smile through on the outside when I'm around them.

I've always been such a happy and full of life person. People tell me that I radiate light and that my smile and laughter bring them so much joy and happiness.

I'm really grieving this morning that I will never be able to have a lover. That I can now only hope that I can be accepted by someone for a long-term relationship. I didn't want a longer-term relationship right now. I feel that I'm at the prime of my life, I look much younger than my years (I know everyone thinks that but I really do). I've been such a determined and motivated person all my life and I've kept myself in amazing shape. I'm strong and have a great figure. Men much younger than me have always been attracted to me. I've been blessed in that I don't even have cellulite and for someone who is 51 yo, that's unusual. My friends comment on it. So yes, although I'm not promiscuous, I was at a point in my life where what I wanted was just shorter-term lovers. Passion. Great sex with someone who adores me. Not one-night stands with someone I just met but a meeting of the minds with a sexual attraction that grows over the shorter term. Then for it to last for however long it lasts.

I can't have that now and my grief with this loss is overwhelming me at times. I know I have to resolve it and get through it and past it. But this morning, I just cannot see the path.

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(170)
Mar 4

@Sharpsv7 NO! Please do not apologize! Your post was wonderfully received and it resonated a lot with me. To actually know that I'm NOT alone. That the depth of despair at times is NORMAL. Just like a_survivor said. Your post helped me more than you know. You know the saying that "misery loves company". It's sort of like that. That saying has negative connotations but in this particular case, sharing these thoughts with others who are at or near the same stage of acceptance does make me feel less alone. So THANK YOU! Have a beautiful day!

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(170)
Mar 4

@Rosie1129 I have to get off here now but thank you for your reply. I will reply to your words very soon! :)

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(170)
Mar 4

@105 Thank you! And it is another beautiful day. :)

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