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can someone tell me how they went about telling someone they

can someone tell me how they went about telling someone they wanted to be with that they had HSV2 or 1? Even before I got diagnosed with this I was always afraid of rejection so now its even worse.

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lisa718's picture
Aug 7

be confident when you say it and know your facts. you will be surprised how many people have it or are not fazed by it

Aug 7

@ElaraCal I'll give you my story. I was out on my 3rd date with the person and we were on a couch talking in a lounge after dinner. We had a lot in common and had been talking for 2 weeks via phone and texts. He was being very affectionate and all I could think was, "I've gotta tell him." It took me a while to muster up the courage, but eventually I steered the conversation to the subject of honesty. He started talking about women he'd been out with who had lied about this and that etc. I gave him some examples from my dating experiences and then said, "I have something I need to be honest with you about." He asked what and I said, "There's no easy way to say this so I'm just gonna say it." I waited a moment and then said, "My ex exposed me to herpes." He immediately asked if I had it and I said yes and he asked if my ex had told me he had it and I said no. I was expecting him to pull away from me and say okay, I'm outta here, but he didn't. He held on to the trust part and started talking about how someone could do such a thing. He asked if I was on medication and how bad the outbreaks were and I went into the whole spiel about how it is for me. When I'd answered all his questions, he looked me in the eye and said, "I'm not going anywhere." At that point I lost it and started crying. He hugged me and asked, Anything else? To which I answered, "Oh, I'm also a mafia hitwoman, but that's no big deal." We laughed, and the date continued. He didn't stop being affectionate and I actually enjoyed the attention.

Now, as Paul Harvey would say, here's the rest of the story. After disclosing, this guy and I continued to talk via text. However, I noticed that within a week his texts became less frequent and when I texted him, he answered in short responses instead of his usual pattern. One day I decided to wait to text him until he texted me first. I didn't get a message all day. I gave him 3 days and nothing. I was sad, but it was okay--at least now I knew. To me, that was a better "rejection" than having him leave the second I told him. Some people take a while to process the information. The experience was a good lesson. I learned that drawing from the point of honesty gave me the confidence to disclose. Plus, it revealed my integrity to the guy. It helped me establish in my own mind that I may have this condition, but it doesn't own me. I hope this helped you...

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jewantme's picture
Aug 13

@brunette2619 and @ElaraCal … I have been living with HSV2 for over 15 years and have had the “opportunity” to disclose a handful of times (I am still dating since I haven’t found the right partner yet). I would say timing, location, demeanor/confidence, knowledge are all important factors when choosing to disclose and even though they won’t all have positive outcomes they will get easier. Don’t get me wrong, I still get anxious before I disclose not knowing if my situation will be accepted or not, but that’s normal because we are human and have feeling and care.

It’s important to deliver your situation from a place of strength, not shame and have integrity. The deep values inherent in disclosing that you have Herpes will overshadow the negative stigma of the issue itself.

Over the years, my delivery/script has changed quite a bit, but one recent example of a script that worked well was along the line of:

“I feel we’re developing a special closeness and I love it. A part of closeness to me means being authentic and vulnerable with each other. I feel it’s really important that I tell you something that’s really private for me. I have Herpes.”

After I let it register for a minute I ask him if he has heard of it (because actually some people haven’t). I ask him if he knows what it means and if he has any questions. I am prepared to answer anything. I also provide him with a fact sheet that I found because it is easy to read and has the basics from a credible source. You have to realize that they are going to turn to the internet after you disclose and they will see all the “bad” stuff and probably be misinformed. So if you can give them accurate info from a credible source you’re better off. At that point some of the men need time to process the info and others are already quite familiar with it and understand it right then. I have had an assortment of reactions – some good and some bad so I am prepared for it all.

Hope this helps or at least gives you a starting point from which to create your own disclosure for if and when the time is right.

PS – I would be more than willing to share my Fact Sheet but I do not know how to upload a PDF document / jpg.

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